Received: from evaki.its.uow.edu.au ([130.130.68.32]) by anubis.ad.uow.edu.au with Microsoft SMTPSVC(6.0.3790.1830); Sun, 16 Sep 2007 10:09:16 +1000 Received: from febris-nat.its.uow.edu.au ([130.130.68.210] helo=febris.its.uow.edu.au) by evaki.its.uow.edu.au with esmtp (Exim 4.63) (envelope-from ) id 1IWhhM-0003BM-Li for blane@uow.edu.au; Sun, 16 Sep 2007 10:09:16 +1000 Received: from servervs1.bosweb.local (eth3951.nsw.adsl.internode.on.net [150.101.126.110]) by febris.its.uow.edu.au (MOS 3.8.5-GA) with ESMTP id FTD05143; Sun, 16 Sep 2007 10:09:14 +1000 (EST) Received: from servervs1 ([127.0.0.1]) by servervs1.bosweb.local with Microsoft SMTPSVC(6.0.3790.3959); Sun, 16 Sep 2007 10:08:42 +1000 Thread-Topic: Vision for Your Family Reply-To: Message-ID: <847482C814124B609D5904A5FEDC9273@bosweb.local> thread-index: Acf39b180XsxgMj7TbyrhncEvL4fKg== From: To: Subject: Vision for Your Family Date: Sun, 16 Sep 2007 10:08:42 +1000 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="----=_NextPart_000_E8D0_01C7F849.8F2A65D0" X-Mailer: Microsoft CDO for Windows 2000 Content-Class: urn:content-classes:message Importance: normal Priority: normal X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V6.00.3790.4073 X-OriginalArrivalTime: 16 Sep 2007 00:08:42.0167 (UTC) FILETIME=[BD7FDC70:01C7F7F5] X-Junkmail-Status: score=10/49, host=febris.its.uow.edu.au X-Junkmail-SD-Raw: score=unknown, refid=str=0001.0A090209.46EC742C.006F,ss=1,fgs=0, ip=150.101.126.110, so=2007-07-31 18:51:00, dmn=5.4.3/2007-09-06 Return-Path: info@fathersonline.org This is a multi-part message in MIME format. ------=_NextPart_000_E8D0_01C7F849.8F2A65D0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Unable to read this email? Please click here Issue 265 - 17th September, 2007 Go to our website Here * Hello Brian * Grandads * Laughter * Single Dads * Special Feature * Thought of the Week * All You Need is Love * News & Info * Dad's Prayer * Help Us Hello Brian It's great to be doing another Good to Great Course in Sydney with a bunch of enthusiastic fathers. You might say to me, "You have done these courses before Warwick. Why are you so inspired?" Well for a number of reasons: I have the privilege as the course trainer, of hanging out with men who are really working hard at going for gold as fathers and developing an attitude of excellence in fathering. What is an attitude of excellence? Well, it's simply the ability to ask the question, "How can I be a better dad?" Not only will your wife and children applaud you if you keep asking the question, but so will the next generation and the one after that. In the final analysis they probably won't even know why they are so happy. They just will be. And it will all be because of you and the fact that you keep asking yourself the question, "How can I be a better Dad?" Already I can see some of my many weaknesses because I am listening to other dads talk about their children. I am listening to them talk about their successes and their failures. Honesty is always inspiring. One of the homework questions in Good to Great is for the guys to write their own family mission statement. For many men this will be one of the hardest things they will do, because they have just never thought about it before. Only 2% of people actually set goals in life and only half of those would ever develop a personal or family mission statement. Why is this so hard? We accept such things for businesses, government organisations and just about everything else, why not for families? The family is the building block of the nation. If the families of the nation don't know where they are going, how will the nation? If you are going someplace you have never been before, you have to use a map or a Global Positioning System (GPS). More importantly you must have a destination. The place you are going to. What does it look like? How does it feel? What are the values that make this place a desirable destination? How do you know when you get there? And lastly but most importantly, how do you get there? These questions are all answered by a good mission statement. To develop a family mission statement you must first develop a vision for your destination as a family. You must also work out your values. Your values will be determined by your belief system. What do you believe and who do you believe in? For many of us these are hard questions but they are all part of finding out the destination of our family and we as fathers must have the courage to ask the hard questions. Lovework Start to work on your family mission statement. How do you want your family to look in ten years time? How important are your relationships and how will you prioritise them? These are all hard questions. But if we don't ask them, who will? Yours for the challenge Warwick Marsh PS We are excited that grandfather Jack Burrell, who is going to celebrate his 80th birthday in a few weeks time, has asked his guests to make tax deductible donations to the Fatherhood Foundation instead of giving him presents. What a great idea! You can also nominate the Fatherhood Foundation as your preferred charity for your next party. Call us on 02 4272 6677 if you need help but just go ahead. The only requirement is that names and addresses must be supplied for each donation so that Tax Deductible Receipts can be issued. ___________________________________________________________ Warwick Marsh has been married to Alison for 32 years. He is the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in age from 26 years to 14 years. Warwick is a musician, songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at himself. back to top Grandads I have heard it from kids again and again and again. The number one need expressed by today's youth is, "Would somebody please listen to me.' What they are talking about is empathetic listening, a kind of 'I hear you' that connects with their feelings and emotions." Don Shmierer Author of 'What's a Father to Do?' back to top Laughter Hello, is this the police?" "Yes it is. How can we help you?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!" "Thank you very much for the call." The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave. The phone rings at Wazza's house. "Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop up your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate!!" back to top Single Dads A Helping Hand By Tony Miller I was sitting at an outside cafe reading the paper last Sunday morning. It's a treat I give myself on the weekends when I'm in the 'lost world' as I call the times I don't have my young bloke with me. All my other kids are older and too busy now getting on with their lives in various parts of the world. I'm still caught in that twilight we call an 'every second weekend dad'. I should have been in church but to be honest it kind of pi**es me off seeing all those happy married faces, the kid's running back and forth to Sunday school, cuddling their mums and dads, the constant reminder of what I haven't got. It shouldn't but it does. Anyway here I am having just enjoyed a bacon and egg roll and my second cappuccino sitting on the table allowing that beautiful coffee aroma to permeate my senses while reading the Sunday paper. I hear a voice coming from someone I hadn't noticed who was standing right next to my table. 'Sir, would I be able to buy a cigarette'. I answer without even looking up from the paper in front of me, 'No, I have only got one left'. I watched from the corner of my eye as this person walked away. It was then I noticed it was a male, he was barefoot, and he was black. I ascertained by his dress which was smart, modern, although crumpled looking, that he was young. I followed his walk with one eye on my paper and the other on him as he quietly walked up the road approaching no one else until I lost sight of him. It was then that I stopped reading the paper and rehashed in my mind my previous actions. I didn't even check my cigarette's to see if I actually had just one left. I didn't even raise my eyes to his. I didn't even give him the courtesy of addressing him face to face. I just dismissed him as an intrusion into my special time. I sat there contemplating all this in my mind, reasoning with all the excuses I could find as to why I been so arrogant. "Would it have killed you Tony to give the bloke a cigarette?" "Yeah, well, their everywhere, always asking for smokes." "So would it have killed you?" And, why the arrogance? I continued to sit and think of what I had just done, trying to dismiss it as, "it was only a cigarette. I will forget about it in an hour. You can't go along giving everyone a bl**dy cigarette," I reassured myself. But it wouldn't go away. It bugged me more, 'Why, my dismissive action?' It has pervaded my life of late, being dismissive. Fighting the big fight yet forgetting those I'm fighting for, losing sight of those around me. I sat there with the vision of those bare feet in my head and suddenly realised who had just approached me and was flooded with memories of lessons I been had taught in the past. That we should see Jesus in the poor, the down-trodden and the rejected. That we may continue Jesus's mission and work for social justice in our world. That we may learn from Jesus how to be sensitive to the needs of others. That we may see Christ and serve HIM in everyone we meet today. Then I remembered something somewhere in the bible along the lines. 'I was the one who was hungry and you didn't feed me, I was the one who was sick and you didn't nurse me, I was the one in goal and you didn't visit me.' Then I added one myself, "I was the one who asked you for a smoke and you refused me." You may laugh at reading this and think it's a pretty stupid illustration and I guess it is, but whether it's a smoke, a few coins, a phone call to ask, "Are you ok?" a helping hand in time of need, a listening ear, a thank you card for nothing in particular. They all add up to who you are. What you are. Kindness and compassion is the rent we must pay for the space we inhabit on this earth. I guess I'm behind in my rent once again. And I guess I was sent another lesson. Sometimes they are a gentle tap on the shoulder and sometimes they are a 4 X 2 across the kneecaps. I will try to get into church this Sunday. Tony Miller tmiller@nor.com.au www.dadsindistress.asn.au back to top Special Feature Parents Need to Reset Relationship to an Adult Child by Susan Reimer August 5, 2007 The Baltimore Sun Somewhere along the parenting timeline, we stopped raising our children and started wooing them. Sometime over the past 30 years, we stopped demanding obedience from our children and started seeking their love and companionship. It was a serious tactical error because it shifted many of the powers in the parent-child relationship to the child. And one of those is the power to hurt. Family and relationship therapist and author Joshua Coleman has written an important book that can help parents heal: When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along (Collins, $23.95). Coleman writes about parents and children from his San Francisco practice who have reached points of terrible pain and alienation because of abuse, neglect or messy divorce. He even writes about his own experiences as a divorced father and the antipathy it created in his oldest daughter. These are dramatic stories, and you weep for the parent who has received that awful letter from an adult child, forbidding Mom from calling and writing or telling Dad that they will never speak to him again. Coleman offers parents a step-by-step way to cope and to carry on with hope for the future. But Coleman also writes about parents who have done nothing observably wrong and still face the wrath of a blaming child, and of parents and children so mismatched that phone calls and visits are fraught with tension. And his book poses the question at the heart of many relationships between boomers and their young adult children. What is this relationship supposed to look like? What do we owe each other? How are we supposed to treat each other? How do we avoid hurting each other? "The first thing we have to do is give ourselves a chance to grieve for the child that is no longer there," Coleman said in a telephone interview. "Just like when they left for kindergarten and we grieved for the toddler that was no longer there, we grieve when they become their own people and go out into the world." The intensity of our parenting when our children were young needs to give way to some new kind of involvement - Coleman and others describe it as a shift from "manager" to "consultant." But the lengthening season of adolescence - which no less than the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention now describes as lasting into the late 20s - makes it confusing even for parents who want to back off. "A lot of parenting is driving blind," Coleman said. "You can't rely on the signposts of your children's feedback because they will all be detour signs. "Sometimes the provocative way our kids respond is their way of putting stakes in the ground for their own autonomy." One of the perverse outcomes of our intense parenting is the assumption by our children that we are to blame if things don't turn out right. Junior fails to gain traction in school or his career, and he blames Mum or Dad for failing to provide him with the tools for success. "Don't make the mistake of defending yourself," Coleman said. "See it for what it is: the cry of a child who senses there is something wrong and decides to blame you rather than face up to his own shortcomings." There is plenty of advice and comfort in Coleman's new book. But the difficult task of reframing the relationship with your adult child requires patience and restraint. No shaming, no guilt-tripping, no childish temper tantrums, no brooding, no self-pity. No intrusive questions, no demands, no attendance requirements, no emotional blackmail, no whining, no silent treatment, no bribing. Be available but not needy. Be there to help and advise, but set limits. Be grateful for the attention you get from your children, but don't let it show. Don't let our love for them give them more power to hurt us. Protect your heart. "All of this requires a pretty darned centred parent," Coleman said. "Closeness with our adult children is not an entitlement, but it can be the goal. "It is nothing we can assume. But it is something we can hope for." back to top Thought of the Week If you don't know where you are going, how will you get there? Warwick Marsh back to top All You Need is Love RETIREMENT AND MARRIAGES by Jan Cullinane and Cathy Fitzgerald 12 September 2007 Forbes Research has shown some common threads about the effects of retirement and working (or not working) on couples. One study looked at transitions in retirement involving 534 married couples in their 50s, 60s or 70s who were retired or about to retire from several large businesses in upstate New York. Husbands and wives reported greater marital satisfaction if they retired at the same time. While men with nonworking spouses had greater marital satisfaction than those with working wives, regardless of whether the men themselves worked, those men who didn't work but had a working spouse reported the most marital conflict. Women experienced the highest marital satisfaction if they entered new jobs after retiring and their husbands were also working, but men who worked after retiring from their primary job experienced more marital discord than those men who didn't work. You may have heard the saying, "Twice the husband but half the money." According to Ronald J. Manheimer, executive director of the North Carolina Centre for Creative Retirement at the University of North Carolina, women's fears in retirement include losing one's identity (becoming more prevalent with the increase in the number of retiring professional women), being responsible for their spouses'/significant others' social life and entertainment, experiencing a disruption of their established patterns, needing to take care of everyone, financial and health issues and outliving their spouse. Men's concerns include lack of status, lack of social support, lack of purpose, declining physical abilities, poor communication with significant others and boomerang kids. On the flip side, women's fantasies include returning to school, becoming an entrepreneur, performing meaningful volunteer activities, renewing relationships and enjoying life. Men's dreams include an active lifestyle, getting in shape, reviving romance with spouse, more involvement with grandchildren and developing new skills. Both men and women include travel on their wish lists. The first two years of retirement are comparable to the first two years of marriage or parenthood; it's a time to negotiate (or renegotiate) roles and share ideas and dreams. As when getting married or having a child, it's important to discuss and plan for the future before retiring, from an emotional as well as a financial standpoint. Realize that the transition to retirement is a period of marital challenge for both sexes. Take heart: Although there are lots of adjustments to be made, the divorce rate among retired couples is only in the single digits. In fact, 60% of couples report that there is (ultimately) an improvement in their marriage after retirement. If the role of work is important to you but is causing stress in the relationship, take a look at alternative forms of work. Work doesn't necessarily mean only paid and full-time work. It could include volunteering, community service, working fewer hours, doing projects, starting a new, scaled-down career--all of these could fit the definition of productive work. In the U.S., success tends to be defined in monetary terms, but separating success and productivity from paid employment will create many more options for making retirement a time of new and meaningful roles (think "psychic" income). Finally, if you're struggling with the decision to retire or not, ask yourself these three questions: - Do I have enough? - Have I had enough? - Do I have enough to do? Or, follow the link below for a quick quiz to help you make your decision. Retirement Quiz: Should You Stop Working? http://tinyurl.com/2uwyzb Video: Seven secrets to A Successful Retirement http://www.forbes.com/video/?video=fvn/investing/jd_cullinane091207_pf Jan Cullinane and Cathy Fitzgerald are co-authors of The New Retirement: The Ultimate Guide to the Rest of Your Life, published by Rodale. back to top News & Info SUSPICIOUS fathers are fuelling a surge in the number of DNA paternity tests secretly being performed on children in Australia. http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22384422-421,00.html _____________________________ Day of Conception A regional holiday has been declared for couples to procreate and if they get it right receive prizes for their efforts. http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22405214-13762,00.html ___________________________________ WANT A HAPPIER WIFE? Do the Laundry! (GETTING TECHNICAL ABOUT WIFE OPERATION SYSTEMS) http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/09/12/opinion/garver/main3253246.sht ml _________________________ Letters Dear Fatherhood Foundation I am writing to express some concern about the current television advertisements about the positive aspects of fatherhood. While I agree with all the positive and uplifting things stated in the advertisements, and can see how fathers are meant to be encouraged; I find that I become quite distressed by the content. Many of the experiences and sentiments have been impossible for me because my ex-wife has removed my children several times. I have tried all avenues to maintain my relationship with my two sons with only limited success. This includes all types of communication, gaining court orders for at least three visits per year (this has never occurred) and innumerable visits, phone calls, letters and emails (all at my cost and without consideration in child support assessments). My children are now aged 16 and 14 and despite all my best efforts over all these years I am sure that I am really only barely or occasionally relevant. Despite all my best efforts they have never lived with me for any length of time. My ex wife has never made any real attempt to proactively encourage my sons to contact me, despite the assurances made to authorities and friends. I find the comment made in the advertisement by the 'single mother who states that the role of the father is very important' particularly hurtful and upsetting. I am certain that there are significant numbers of fathers in exactly my position who are equally distressed by these advertisements. I would ask that these advertisements be reviewed, amended or removed. I am tired of changing the channel to save myself being reminded of how distressed I am alone in my home. Kindest regards Andrew _______________________ Dear Fatherhood Foundation Thanks for another lovely newsletter for a single dad. They help me realise some errors sometimes and assure me that I have got it right other times. Yes my two girls are making me more proud everyday, especially the 16 yo. She sometimes just wants to chat to dad about everything and nothing. So I now know I must listen and reply when she does this. Sadly their mother is so full of self and her new boyfriend, the girls have lost interest in trying to reach her. So I just try harder to be there if they need me, even though they have been with me for 98% of the time since she walked out in 1997. I view another lady as not an item whilst the girls are growing up. In a few years they leave I will have all the time in the world for another relationship. Yes parenthood comes with responsibilities that are unwritten and being unselfish. I will be taking both girls to Sydney for the World Youth Festival in July 2008. They both are looking forward to that trip, even though every second year we go to Canberra to see grandparents and visit my brothers family in Sydney. One of my daughter's friends has said that it would be great if I could adopt, nice compliment, I must be doing something right. Sad though, one daughter does not want her mother to come to her wedding when she decides to marry, as she is afraid her mother will cause a scene. Sad thing is she is scaringly right. I always spoke well of their mother, they have told me, "You have to wake up dad, mum is not the lady you think she is." I knew it all along, I just wanted them to realise by themselves and not be told, as parents are never right in a child's eyes. Though this year I have received more thankyous than all the other years put together. My little girls are turning into young ladies and thinking about relationships and future and families. They both know accidents don't happen, your life is what you make it and money doesn't substitute happiness. Thank you for your newsletters of guidance, which will always be read by me. fellow dad online Michael ______________________________________________________________________ Media Release What's Best for our Children? On 18th September 2007 the Fatherhood Foundation is coordinating the 'National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family and Fatherhood' at Parliament House Canberra. The conference is being held in Room 2R1 and is being sponsored on a bi-partisan basis by the President and Vice President of the Senate. Summit Convenor, Warwick Marsh said, "The Fatherhood Foundation is excited to host this one day bipartisan summit to affirm the importance of marriage, family and fatherhood. In many ways the goal of this strategic summit, and for those who are speaking, is to affirm the obvious. Children are better off when raised by a mother and father who enjoy a successful marriage. When marriages break down our children suffer increased risks of poverty, lowered educational performance, less likelihood of going on to university, higher rates of psychological distress, mental illness, alcohol and drug abuse, suicide, self harm and higher rates of criminal behaviour especially for boys. Research also shows that a child who is not living with his or her own married parents is at greater risk of child abuse. It is our duty to protect them. Strengthening and supporting marriages is the best way to protect our children" Alison Marsh, mother of five, and co-convenor of the National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family and Fatherhood said, "In all the talk about adult's rights in the last few years we have forgotten that our children have rights too. That is why the theme of the National Strategic Summit is 'Protecting the Innocent Children'. Our children don't ask to be born. Their innocence does not give us the right to treat them badly. We must take responsibility for their conception and birth and protect them. They have a fundamental right to a loving mother and father. Marriage best ensures that right. That is why we must support marriage." For more information contact: Alison Marsh: 0401 257 372 Warwick Marsh: 0418 22 5 212 Fatherhood Foundation PO Box 542 Unanderra NSW 2526 02 4272 6677 www.fatherhood.org.au back to top Dad's Prayer Dear God Please help me figure out where I am going. I have never really asked the question before. Maybe it is because I am too afraid. Maybe I am scared of finding out. Maybe I don't want to know because if I did find out, I'd know I wasn't going to get there. Anyway, as I was saying, Could you help me figure out where I am supposed to be going because the answer is important to me. Oh and by the way, What's your address? I'd like to pay you a visit, 'Cos maybe You are my destination. back to top Help Us Click here for more information about us Help Us! The Fatherhood Foundation is a Harm Prevention Charity. Fatherlessness and inadequate fathering has been proven to be a source of harm. The Fatherhood Foundation helps children by promoting excellence in fathering. Excellent fathers are in word and deed: responsible, involved, protective, loving and committed to the well-being of their children and their children's mother. If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund and receive tax deductibility: Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund (Name, address and amount details must be emailed for a receipt for tax deductibility) Westpac Branch Wollongong BSB: 032 695 A/C: 25-5558 Or mail cheque and address details to: PO Box 440 WOLLONGONG NSW 2520 AUSTRALIA The Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund is a public fund listed on the Register of Harm Prevention Charities under Subdivision 30_EA of the Income Tax Assessment Act 1997. You have received the fathersonline.org newsletter because you have subscribed, or you have been subscribed by a friend. If you do not wish to receive future emails, please click the UNSUBSCRIBE button below or send an email to info@fathersonline.org with the word UNSUBSCRIBE in the subject heading. back to top Click Here to Unsubscribe ------=_NextPart_000_E8D0_01C7F849.8F2A65D0 Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Fatherhood Foundation
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Issue 265 - 17th September, 2007 Go to our website Here


Hello Brian

It's great to be doing another Good to Great Course in Sydney with a bunch of enthusiastic fathers. You might say to me, "You have done these courses before Warwick. Why are you so inspired?"

 

Well for a number of reasons: I have the privilege as the course trainer, of hanging out with men who are really working hard at going for gold as fathers and developing an attitude of excellence in fathering. What is an attitude of excellence? Well, it's simply the ability to ask the question, "How can I be a better dad?" Not only will your wife and children applaud you if you keep asking the question, but so will the next generation and the one after that. In the final analysis they probably won't even know why they are so happy. They just will be. And it will all be because of you and the fact that you keep asking yourself the question, "How can I be a better Dad?"

 

Already I can see some of my many weaknesses because I am listening to other dads talk about their children. I am listening to them talk about their successes and their failures. Honesty is always inspiring. One of the homework questions in Good to Great is for the guys to write their own family mission statement. For many men this will be one of the hardest things they will do, because they have just never thought about it before. Only 2% of people actually set goals in life and only half of those would ever develop a personal or family mission statement.

 

Why is this so hard? We accept such things for businesses, government organisations and just about everything else, why not for families? The family is the building block of the nation. If the families of the nation don't know where they are going, how will the nation? If you are going someplace you have never been before, you have to use a map or a Global Positioning System (GPS). More importantly you must have a destination. The place you are going to. What does it look like? How does it feel? What are the values that make this place a desirable destination? How do you know when you get there? And lastly but most importantly, how do you get there? These questions are all answered by a good mission statement. To develop a family mission statement you must first develop a vision for your destination as a family. You must also work out your values. Your values will be determined by! your belief system. What do you believe and who do you believe in? For many of us these are hard questions but they are all part of finding out the destination of our family and we as fathers must have the courage to ask the hard questions.

 

Lovework

 

Start to work on your family mission statement. How do you want your family to look in ten years time? How important are your relationships and how will you prioritise them? These are all hard questions. But if we don't ask them, who will?

 

Yours for the challenge

Warwick Marsh

 

PS We are excited that grandfather Jack Burrell, who is going to celebrate his 80th birthday in a few weeks time, has asked his guests to make tax deductible donations to the Fatherhood Foundation instead of giving him presents.  What a great idea!

 

You can also nominate the Fatherhood Foundation as your preferred charity for your next party. Call us on 02 4272 6677 if you need help but just go ahead. The only requirement is that names and addresses must be supplied for each donation so that Tax Deductible Receipts can be issued.  

___________________________________________________________

Warwick Marsh  has been married to Alison for 32 years. He is the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in age from 26 years to 14 years.  Warwick is a musician, songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at himself.

back to top

Grandads

 

I have heard it from kids again and again and again. The number one need expressed by today's youth is, "Would somebody please listen to me.' What they are talking about is empathetic listening, a kind of 'I hear you' that connects with their feelings and emotions."

 

Don Shmierer

Author of 'What's a Father to Do?'

back to top

Laughter

 

Hello, is this the police?"
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house. "Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate!!"

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Single Dads

A Helping Hand

By Tony Miller

 

I was sitting at an outside cafe reading the paper last Sunday morning. It's a treat I give myself on the weekends when I'm in the 'lost world' as I call the times I don't have my young bloke with me. All my other kids are older and too busy now getting on with their lives in various parts of the world. I'm still caught in that twilight we call an 'every second weekend dad'. I should have been in church but to be honest it kind of pi**es me off seeing all those happy married faces, the kid's running back and forth to Sunday school, cuddling their mums and dads, the constant reminder of what I haven't got. It shouldn't but it does.

 

Anyway here I am having just enjoyed a bacon and egg roll and my second cappuccino sitting on the table allowing that beautiful coffee aroma to permeate my senses while reading the Sunday paper.

 

I hear a voice coming from someone I hadn't noticed who was standing right next to my table. 'Sir, would I be able to buy a cigarette'. I answer without even looking up from the paper in front of me, 'No, I have only got one left'. I watched from the corner of my eye as this person walked away. It was then I noticed it was a male, he was barefoot, and he was black. I ascertained by his dress which was smart, modern, although crumpled looking, that he was young. I followed his walk with one eye on my paper and the other on him as he quietly walked up the road approaching no one else until I lost sight of him.

 

It was then that I stopped reading the paper and rehashed in my mind my previous actions. I didn't even check my cigarette's to see if I actually had just one left. I didn't even raise my eyes to his. I didn't even give him the courtesy of addressing him face to face. I just dismissed him as an intrusion into my special time.

 

I sat there contemplating all this in my mind, reasoning with all the excuses I could find as to why I been so arrogant. "Would it have killed you Tony to give the bloke a cigarette?" "Yeah, well, their everywhere, always asking for smokes." "So would it have killed you?"  And, why the arrogance? I continued to sit and think of what I had just done, trying to dismiss it as, "it was only a cigarette. I will forget about it in an hour. You can't go along giving everyone a bl**dy cigarette," I reassured myself.

 

But it wouldn't go away. It bugged me more, 'Why, my dismissive action?' It has pervaded my life of late, being dismissive. Fighting the big fight yet forgetting those I'm fighting for, losing sight of those around me.

 

I sat there with the vision of those bare feet in my head and suddenly realised who had just approached me and was flooded with memories of lessons I been had taught in the past.

 

That we should see Jesus in the poor, the down-trodden and the rejected.

That we may continue Jesus's mission and work for social justice in our world.

That we may learn from Jesus how to be sensitive to the needs of others.

That we may see Christ and serve HIM in everyone we meet today.

 

Then I remembered something somewhere in the bible along the lines. 'I was the one who was hungry and you didn't feed me, I was the one who was sick and you didn't nurse me, I was the one in goal and you didn't visit me.' Then I added one myself, "I was the one who asked you for a smoke and you refused me."

 

You may laugh at reading this and think it's a pretty stupid illustration and I guess it is, but whether it's a smoke, a few coins, a phone call to ask, "Are you ok?" a helping hand in time of need, a listening ear, a thank you card for nothing in particular. They all add up to who you are. What you are. Kindness and compassion is the rent we must pay for the space we inhabit on this earth. I guess I'm behind in my rent once again.

 

And I guess I was sent another lesson. Sometimes they are a gentle tap on the shoulder and sometimes they are a 4 X 2 across the kneecaps. I will try to get into church this Sunday.

 

Tony Miller

tmiller@nor.com.au

www.dadsindistress.asn.au   

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Special Feature

Parents Need to Reset Relationship to an Adult Child

by Susan Reimer

August 5, 2007 The Baltimore Sun

 

Somewhere along the parenting timeline, we stopped raising our children and started wooing them.

 

Sometime over the past 30 years, we stopped demanding obedience from our children and started seeking their love and companionship.

 

It was a serious tactical error because it shifted many of the powers in the parent-child relationship to the child. And one of those is the power to hurt.

 

Family and relationship therapist and author Joshua Coleman has written an important book that can help parents heal: When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along (Collins, $23.95).

 

Coleman writes about parents and children from his San Francisco practice who have reached points of terrible pain and alienation because of abuse, neglect or messy divorce.

 

He even writes about his own experiences as a divorced father and the antipathy it created in his oldest daughter.

 

These are dramatic stories, and you weep for the parent who has received that awful letter from an adult child, forbidding Mom from calling and writing or telling Dad that they will never speak to him again.

 

Coleman offers parents a step-by-step way to cope and to carry on with hope for the future.

 

But Coleman also writes about parents who have done nothing observably wrong and still face the wrath of a blaming child, and of parents and children so mismatched that phone calls and visits are fraught with tension.

 

And his book poses the question at the heart of many relationships between boomers and their young adult children.

 

What is this relationship supposed to look like? What do we owe each other? How are we supposed to treat each other? How do we avoid hurting each other?

 

"The first thing we have to do is give ourselves a chance to grieve for the child that is no longer there," Coleman said in a telephone interview.

 

"Just like when they left for kindergarten and we grieved for the toddler that was no longer there, we grieve when they become their own people and go out into the world."

 

The intensity of our parenting when our children were young needs to give way to some new kind of involvement - Coleman and others describe it as a shift from "manager" to "consultant."

 

But the lengthening season of adolescence - which no less than the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention now describes as lasting into the late 20s - makes it confusing even for parents who want to back off.

 

"A lot of parenting is driving blind," Coleman said. "You can't rely on the signposts of your children's feedback because they will all be detour signs.

 

"Sometimes the provocative way our kids respond is their way of putting stakes in the ground for their own autonomy."

 

One of the perverse outcomes of our intense parenting is the assumption by our children that we are to blame if things don't turn out right.

 

Junior fails to gain traction in school or his career, and he blames Mum or Dad for failing to provide him with the tools for success.

 

"Don't make the mistake of defending yourself," Coleman said. "See it for what it is: the cry of a child who senses there is something wrong and decides to blame you rather than face up to his own shortcomings."

 

There is plenty of advice and comfort in Coleman's new book. But the difficult task of reframing the relationship with your adult child requires patience and restraint.

 

No shaming, no guilt-tripping, no childish temper tantrums, no brooding, no self-pity. No intrusive questions, no demands, no attendance requirements, no emotional blackmail, no whining, no silent treatment, no bribing.

 

Be available but not needy. Be there to help and advise, but set limits. Be grateful for the attention you get from your children, but don't let it show. Don't let our love for them give them more power to hurt us. Protect your heart.

 

"All of this requires a pretty darned centred parent," Coleman said. "Closeness with our adult children is not an entitlement, but it can be the goal.

 

"It is nothing we can assume. But it is something we can hope for."

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Thought of the Week

 

 
If you don't know where 
you are going,
how will you get there?
 
Warwick Marsh
  

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All You Need is Love

RETIREMENT AND MARRIAGES

by Jan Cullinane and Cathy Fitzgerald

12 September 2007 Forbes

 

Research has shown some common threads about the effects of retirement and working (or not working) on couples. One study looked at transitions in retirement involving 534 married couples in their 50s, 60s or 70s who were retired or about to retire from several large businesses in upstate New York.

 

Husbands and wives reported greater marital satisfaction if they retired at the same time. While men with nonworking spouses had greater marital satisfaction than those with working wives, regardless of whether the men themselves worked, those men who didn't work but had a working spouse reported the most marital conflict.

 

Women experienced the highest marital satisfaction if they entered new jobs after retiring and their husbands were also working, but men who worked after retiring from their primary job experienced more marital discord than those men who didn't work.

 

You may have heard the saying, "Twice the husband but half the money." According to Ronald J. Manheimer, executive director of the North Carolina Centre for Creative Retirement at the University of North Carolina, women's fears in retirement include losing one's identity (becoming more prevalent with the increase in the number of retiring professional women), being responsible for their spouses'/significant others' social life and entertainment, experiencing a disruption of their established patterns, needing to take care of everyone, financial and health issues and outliving their spouse.

 

Men's concerns include lack of status, lack of social support, lack of purpose, declining physical abilities, poor communication with significant others and boomerang kids.

 

On the flip side, women's fantasies include returning to school, becoming an entrepreneur, performing meaningful volunteer activities, renewing relationships and enjoying life.

 

Men's dreams include an active lifestyle, getting in shape, reviving romance with spouse, more involvement with grandchildren and developing new skills. Both men and women include travel on their wish lists.

 

The first two years of retirement are comparable to the first two years of marriage or parenthood; it's a time to negotiate (or renegotiate) roles and share ideas and dreams. As when getting married or having a child, it's important to discuss and plan for the future before retiring, from an emotional as well as a financial standpoint.

 

Realize that the transition to retirement is a period of marital challenge for both sexes. Take heart: Although there are lots of adjustments to be made, the divorce rate among retired couples is only in the single digits. In fact, 60% of couples report that there is (ultimately) an improvement in their marriage after retirement.

 

If the role of work is important to you but is causing stress in the relationship, take a look at alternative forms of work. Work doesn't necessarily mean only paid and full-time work. It could include volunteering, community service, working fewer hours, doing projects, starting a new, scaled-down career--all of these could fit the definition of productive work. In the U.S., success tends to be defined in monetary terms, but separating success and productivity from paid employment will create many more options for making retirement a time of new and meaningful roles (think "psychic" income).

 

Finally, if you're struggling with the decision to retire or not, ask yourself these three questions:

 

- Do I have enough?

 

- Have I had enough?

 

- Do I have enough to do?

 

Or, follow the link below for a quick quiz to help you make your decision.

Retirement Quiz: Should You Stop Working?  http://tinyurl.com/2uwyzb

 

Video: Seven secrets to A Successful Retirement

http://www.forbes.com/video/?video=fvn/investing/jd_cullinane091207_pf

 

Jan Cullinane and Cathy Fitzgerald are co-authors of The New Retirement: The Ultimate Guide to the Rest of Your Life,  published by Rodale.

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News & Info

  

SUSPICIOUS fathers are fuelling a surge in the number of DNA paternity tests secretly being performed on children in Australia.

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22384422-421,00.html

_____________________________

 

Day of Conception

A regional holiday has been declared for couples to procreate and if they get it right receive prizes for their efforts.

 

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22405214-13762,00.html

___________________________________

 

WANT A HAPPIER WIFE? Do the Laundry!

(GETTING TECHNICAL ABOUT WIFE OPERATION SYSTEMS)

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/09/12/opinion/garver/main3253246.shtml

 

 

_________________________

 

Letters

 

Dear Fatherhood Foundation

 

I am writing to express some concern about the current television advertisements about the positive aspects of fatherhood.

 

While I agree with all the positive and uplifting things stated in the advertisements, and can see how fathers are meant to be encouraged; I find that I become quite distressed by the content.

 

Many of the experiences and sentiments have been impossible for me because my ex-wife has removed my children several times. I have tried all avenues to maintain my relationship with my two sons with only limited success.

 

This includes all types of communication, gaining court orders for at least three visits per year (this has never occurred) and innumerable visits, phone calls, letters and emails (all at my cost and without consideration in child support assessments).

 

My children are now aged 16 and 14 and despite all my best efforts over all these years I am sure that I am really only barely or occasionally relevant.

 

Despite all my best efforts they have never lived with me for any length of time. My ex wife has never made any real attempt to proactively encourage my sons to contact me, despite the assurances made to authorities and friends.

 

I find the comment made in the advertisement by the 'single mother who states that the role of the father is very important' particularly hurtful and upsetting.

 

I am certain that there are significant numbers of fathers in exactly my position who are equally distressed by these advertisements.

 

I would ask that these advertisements be reviewed, amended or removed.

I am tired of changing the channel to save myself being reminded of how distressed I am alone in my home.

 

Kindest regards

Andrew

_______________________

 

Dear Fatherhood Foundation

 

Thanks for another lovely newsletter for a single dad. They help me realise some errors sometimes and assure me that I have got it right other times. Yes my two girls are making me more proud everyday, especially the 16 yo. She sometimes just wants to chat to dad about everything and nothing. So I now know I must listen and reply when she does this. Sadly their mother is so full of self and her new boyfriend, the girls have lost interest in trying to reach her. So I just try harder to be there if they need me, even though they have been with me for 98% of the time since she walked out in 1997. I view another lady as not an item whilst the girls are growing up. In a few years they leave I will have all the time in the world for another relationship. Yes parenthood comes with responsibilities that are unwritten and being unselfish. I will be taking both girls to Sydney for the Worl! d Youth Festival in July 2008. They both are looking forward to that trip, even though every second year we go to Canberra to see grandparents and visit my brothers family in Sydney. One of my daughter's friends has said that it would be great if I could adopt, nice compliment, I must be doing something right. Sad though, one daughter does not want her mother to come to her wedding when she decides to marry, as she is afraid her mother will cause a scene. Sad thing is she is scaringly right.  I always spoke well of their mother, they have told me, "You have to wake up dad, mum is not the lady you think she is." I knew it all along, I just wanted them to realise by themselves and not be told, as parents are never right in a child's eyes. Though this year I have received more thankyous than all the other years put together. My little girls are turning into young ladies and thinking about relationships and future and families. They both! know accidents don't happen, your life is what you make it and money doesn't substitute happiness. Thank you for your newsletters of guidance, which will always be read by me.

 

fellow dad online

Michael

______________________________________________________________________

Media Release

What's Best for our Children?

 

On 18th September 2007 the Fatherhood Foundation is coordinating the 'National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family and Fatherhood' at Parliament House Canberra. The conference is being held in Room 2R1 and is being sponsored on a bi-partisan basis by the President and Vice President of the Senate.

 

Summit Convenor, Warwick Marsh said, "The Fatherhood Foundation is excited to host this one day bipartisan summit to affirm the importance of marriage, family and fatherhood. In many ways the goal of this strategic summit, and for those who are speaking, is to affirm the obvious. Children are better off when raised by a mother and father who enjoy a successful marriage. When marriages break down our children suffer increased risks of poverty, lowered educational performance, less likelihood of going on to university, higher rates of psychological distress, mental illness, alcohol and drug abuse, suicide, self harm and higher rates of criminal behaviour especially for boys. Research also shows that a child who is not living with his or her own married parents i! s at greater risk of child abuse. It is our duty to protect them. Strengthening and supporting marriages is the best way to protect our children"

 

Alison Marsh, mother of five, and co-convenor of the National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family and Fatherhood said, "In all the talk about adult's rights in the last few years we have forgotten that our children have rights too. That is why the theme of the National Strategic Summit is 'Protecting the Innocent Children'. Our children don't ask to be born. Their innocence does not give us the right to treat them badly. We must take responsibility for their conception and birth and protect them. They have a fundamental right to a loving mother and father. Marriage best ensures that right. That is why we must support marriage."

 

 

For more information contact:

Alison Marsh: 0401 257 372

Warwick Marsh: 0418 22 5 212

Fatherhood Foundation

PO Box 542

Unanderra NSW 2526

02 4272 6677

www.fatherhood.org.au

 

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Dad's Prayer

 

Dear God
 
Please help me figure out 
where I am going.
I have never really asked the 
question before.
Maybe it is because I am too afraid.
Maybe I am scared of finding out.
Maybe I don't want to know 
because if I did find out,
I'd know I wasn't going to get there.
Anyway, as I was saying,
Could you help me figure out
where I am supposed to be going
because the answer is important to me.
Oh and by the way,
What's your address?
I'd like to pay you a visit,
'Cos maybe You are my destination.
 

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Help Us

Click here for more information about us

Help Us!

The Fatherhood Foundation is a Harm Prevention Charity.
Fatherlessness and inadequate fathering has been proven to be a source of harm.

The Fatherhood Foundation helps children by promoting excellence  in fathering. Excellent fathers are in word and deed: responsible, involved, protective, loving and committed to the well-being of their children and their children's mother.

If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund and receive tax deductibility:

Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund
(Name, address and amount details must be emailed for a receipt for tax deductibility)
Westpac Branch Wollongong
BSB: 032 695
A/C: 25-5558

Or mail cheque and address details to:
PO Box 440
WOLLONGONG  NSW  2520
AUSTRALIA

The Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund  is a public fund listed on the Register of Harm Prevention Charities under Subdivision 30_EA of the Income Tax Assessment Act 1997.

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