Received: from beru.its.uow.edu.au ([130.130.68.31]) by anubis.ad.uow.edu.au with Microsoft SMTPSVC(6.0.3790.3959); Sun, 25 Nov 2007 18:12:30 +1100 Received: from febris-nat.its.uow.edu.au ([130.130.68.210] helo=febris.its.uow.edu.au) by beru.its.uow.edu.au with esmtp (Exim 4.63) (envelope-from ) id 1IwBfk-00070H-3a for blane@uow.edu.au; Sun, 25 Nov 2007 18:12:56 +1100 Received: from servervs1.bosweb.local (eth3951.nsw.adsl.internode.on.net [150.101.126.110]) by febris.its.uow.edu.au (MOS 3.8.5-GA) with ESMTP id GQN78400; Sun, 25 Nov 2007 18:12:53 +1100 (EST) Received: from servervs1 ([127.0.0.1]) by servervs1.bosweb.local with Microsoft SMTPSVC(6.0.3790.3959); Sun, 25 Nov 2007 18:12:02 +1100 Thread-Topic: Keeping the Spark Alive Reply-To: Message-ID: thread-index: AcgvMnpEX1oNkdHoQnylChN9gO1hMQ== From: To: Subject: Keeping the Spark Alive Date: Sun, 25 Nov 2007 18:12:02 +1100 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="----=_NextPart_000_23C8_01C82F8E.ADB85760" X-Mailer: Microsoft CDO for Windows 2000 Content-Class: urn:content-classes:message Importance: normal Priority: normal X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V6.00.3790.4133 X-OriginalArrivalTime: 25 Nov 2007 07:12:02.0656 (UTC) FILETIME=[7A496600:01C82F32] X-Junkmail-Status: score=10/49, host=febris.its.uow.edu.au X-Junkmail-SD-Raw: score=unknown, refid=str=0001.0A090208.47491E56.0012,ss=1,fgs=0, ip=150.101.126.110, so=2007-07-31 18:51:00, dmn=5.4.3/2007-10-18 Return-Path: info@fathersonline.org This is a multi-part message in MIME format. ------=_NextPart_000_23C8_01C82F8E.ADB85760 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Unable to read this email? Please click here Issue 275- 26th November, 2007 Go to our website Here * Hello & Welcome Brian * Grandads * Laughter * Single Dads * Special Feature * Thought of the Week * All You Need is Love * News & Info * Dad's Prayer * Help Us Hello & Welcome Brian They say that the price of safety is eternal vigilance. I think the same could be said about Marriage. Andre Maurois said, 'A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day.' Keeping the spark alive is a full time occupation. My wife and I have been married for 32 years this month. We have certainly had our difficulties. Often I jokingly say after announcing the longevity of our marriage that my wife should get a gold medal for putting up with me for so long. Mind you I think I should have a gold medal too. All women have their hormonal ups and downs. Even King Solomon, who had a thousand wives said, 'A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day. Restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.' I think maybe King Solomon knew a lot about PMS (pre-menstrual tension). The bottom line is that we can all be hard to live with at times. In our weekly newsletters I have written before about the huge differences between the male and female. These differences are what attract men and women to each other in the first place and it is the enormity of the differences that often drive us further apart. How do you keep the spark alive? I think the imagery of a fire says it all. We often think of marriage as a static thing that never changes. If the truth be known, marriage is much more like a fire that burns very strongly from time to time but can often fade into a cold black darkness if no attention is given to it. Marriage is in many ways a man-made fire and requires oxygen and fuel. A man-made fire needs planning and direction. For that reason my wife and I regularly read books and articles on marriage and also try to get to marriage seminars. Our goal is to attend a marriage seminar every year to keep the oxygen and fuel up to the fire. We have too many friends that have been divorced. We have seen the heartache. We have seen the pain and my own parents' marriage would have been classed as highly dysfunctional. Today my parents would have divorced, and I'm glad they didn't, but the 'pain remains the same' as the song goes. Pain is a huge motivator and I am not ashamed to say it has probably been one of the main driving forces for me. Now the wonderful mystery of love has overtaken the pain and my simple goal is to keep the fire burning strong. So, as it was coming up time to take a marriage refresher, my wife and I attended an Oz FamilyLife 'Day to Treasure'. It is the third Oz FamilyLife marriage course that we have attended, and it won't be the last. Once you stop learning, you start dying. What did we learn? 1) Conflict is common to all marriages 2) Unresolved conflict can destroy a marriage 3) Conflict must be resolved lovingly by open discussion 4) Resolving conflict requires forgiveness, often by both parties 5) Resolving conflict leads to a better marriage. That was only one of the topics. You can imagine how good the rest of the day was. What did we take away from the Day to Treasure? www.ozfamily.org.au/Default.aspx Our top three priorities as a couple, determined at the course are: 1) Work less - prioritise our family more 2) Couch time - more time sitting on the lounge talking at the end of the day (sounds simple, but why is it so hard to do?) 3) Creative romance and making more time for sex. The most amazing thing was that the last one was not even my idea. I think I will have to go to more marriage seminars! Lovework Yep, you guessed it. Stoke the fire of love and book in now to a marriage seminar for you and your wife. You will not regret it. More importantly, you children will be the beneficiaries. The more love you have the more you can share. Marriage Encounter Oz FamilyLife www.ozfamily.org.au/Default.aspx Celebrate Love www.celebratelove.com.au/html/dates___details.html Connect 2 http://www.families.org.au/shop/products.aspx?id=BA232 Yours for more love Warwick Marsh PS The Australian Federal Election result has been interesting ___________________________________________________________ Warwick Marsh has been married to Alison for 32 years. He is the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in age from 26 years to 14 years. Warwick is a musician, songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at himself. back to top Grandads A Marriage Kit By Charlie W Shedd Many couples make the mistake of thinking that two saying "I do!" means "We did it!" They assume that by the mere act of climbing the chancel steps they have already vaulted the stairs into seventh heaven? Marriage may be 'made in heaven' in the original. But the whole deal is more like one of those kits which comes knocked down for putting together. It will take some gluing here, sanding rough spots there, hammering a bit now, filing down the scratches on this side, planing a bit on that side, carving a piece, bending this section slightly, varnishing, backing off for a frequent look, dusting, waxing, polishing, until at last what you have is a thing of beauty and a joy forever. back to top Laughter While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?" __________________________ ____________________ It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?" back to top Single Dads Tony's Diary Recently I have been fortunate enough to spend time with my family who are scattered across the country. Some of you may say that idea would not be so fortunate, but for me it was. I find great sadness that here I am over 50 years of age and I have all these nephews and nieces that I really do not know and who really do not know me. Who is at fault? Well certainly me and I guess they should own a bit as well. I guess that John Lennon quote fits in well here, 'Life is what happens, while you are busy making other plans'. Anyway the main thing was I was able to connect even if for only for a short period of time. Last Thursday week I was in Paddington Sydney doing a radio interview with Georgie Vestey at EASTSIDE FM., we had a great talk exploring the good times, the sad times and the in between times of divorce and separation. I will let you all know when it airs. Georgie is also looking for future interviewees on the subject of...wait for it...male domestic violence, in other words violence perpetrated on the male of the species......hmmm that will be controversial and also another show on the second wives, how hard is that, remarried, two sets of kids from separate marriages, dad fighting to get to see the kids from the first marriage, depression, money issues you name it. Interested??? Please contact me at dids@nor.com.au (but must be in the Sydney area) and willing to talk on air although anonymously. Georgie is an absolutely courageous women and I will let you know as these shows air and will endeavour to stream them on this site. On Friday I was in Sydney for the 9/11 Event "What is happening to our children", organised by Michael Riddell. Very powerful day and had the good fortune to hear Ed Debrowski speak. Ed is running for the senate over in WA. I know Ed well as he is also our dids Bunbury facilitator and is the Federal Director of the Shared Parenting Council among other things. He spoke from the heart and I am impressed with people who speak from the heart. There is no BS about Ed, what you see is what you get. A quiet, gentle, honest, thoughtful, generous DAD. He is a good man and one who deserves your attention, a champion of children and parent rights. I also got to hear the Hon Ann Bressington MLA speak, a lady of courage and sincerity and author Karla Lee with her children's books helping kids deal with the issues of divorce and separation. Ed presented me with an award, a beautiful glass trophy etched with the words 'The Shared Parenting Council of Australia presents this Champion Of Children/Champion Of Families Outstanding Achievement Award to Tony Miller. In recognition of distinguished service Advancing Children's Rights and Shared Parenting. It was beautiful and will take pride of place in my home. In my speech I shared something I caught from each of the speakers, but more importantly shared how humble I felt in the presence of those in that room and the reality that I am just a dad with an L plate still attached. I shared of my beautiful boy who is on the needle somewhere in Sydney, I shared of the child sexual abuse I suffered and survived and I shared of visiting the concentration camps in Poland and the lesson of forgiveness I tried to implant upon my other son. When I finally arrived back at my hotel that night I stood by the window staring out and wondering where my boy was and the irony of getting an award for some kind of distinguished service for children, staring, knowing he was out there somewhere, staring, knowing he was in pain, staring, then drawing the blinds as if somehow that stops the hurt. I gotta tell ya, it doesn't and as much as I am grateful and humbled by the award, I feel less then deserving............ Tony Miller Founder Dads in Distress http://www.dadsindistress.asn.au back to top Special Feature Why we all need to commit My attitude to marriage is changing. My middle-class reluctance to judge others is fading. By Camilla Cavendish My friend Ann and her girlfriend are having IVF in New York. My friend Hatty is 'basting' every month in London with a gay male friend who has offered to help her have the baby she longs for. My mate Shona shacked up with her boyfriend the day she met him, and was pregnant after two months. They all ask: do you think I'm doing the right thing? What can I say? Except that it's pure luck that I ended up with a nice bloke, two children and a ring on my finger, and I could never judge any of these three for finding their own way to make a family. They are educated, they are solvent, they are mature, they have inner resources that will make them great parents. So when the BBC recently asked me to make a radio programme about the return of marriage to the centre of political debate, I assumed I'd be taking a pretty liberal line. Experts of all political stripes are agreed that stability is hugely important for children. But stability, I figured, surely came in all shapes and sizes. The reality nags at me. Analysis of the Millennium Cohort Study, of 18,500 babies born in 2000 and 2001, finds that education, income and age (the higher the better) are important factors in whether two parents will stay together. But the biggest single determinant of stability is whether they are married or not. About half - half! - of cohabitees split up before their child reaches 5. The richest 20 per cent of cohabiting couples do better, but their rate of breakup is no better than that of the poorest 20 per cent of married couples. So while poverty puts a strain on relationships, marriage seems to buffer that strain. This has made me wonder whether it is a bit of a middle-class luxury to be so reluctant to judge other people's relationships. Is it, in fact, a kind of snobbery in those of us who babble about the liberation of alternative life choices, who know nothing of the ugliness and loneliness of a teenage mother's life on benefits? We like to think of lone mothers as robust martyrs, struggling but winning in quiet, spartan homes. But at the lower end of the scale the reality is often a succession of boyfriends who bring a hugely inflated risk of domestic violence both to the mother and to the child who witnesses it (who is more likely in his turn to become violent). What we are really doing, when we say that anything goes, is denigrating commitment. And that is a problem. For commitment, experts agree, can make the difference between a happy, well-adjusted child and one for whom life will be much more of a struggle. In fact, lack of parental commitment is a serious barrier to social mobility. I still don't think it's the ring on the finger that matters as much as the attitudes that seem to go with marriage. Can we bottle these and spread them around? Academics at Denver University have developed a 'theory of commitment' that says, essentially, that the best relationships are those in which two people see themselves as 'us' more than as 'you and me'. They make sacrifices for each other, and give priority to each other's needs. They have found that men who 'slide' into relationships, moving in before they get engaged, often remain less committed to the relationship (whether or not they eventually get married) than men who 'decide' first that they want to get married and then move in together. While the women they study tend to see moving in as the point of commitment, many of the men admit they are still hoping to find someone better. When a child comes along, they are more likely to feel trapped than those who can see that child fitting into a lifetime commitment. Maybe this explains why some UK charities now describe children who have never known an adult to put their needs first - a dismal fact that I have found myself coming back to over and over; a selfishness of desperate proportions. The Denver study is a surprising, modern vindication of an old-fashioned idea. You don't get much support from your peers these days if you ask him not to move in until you're engaged. But human nature does not always move as fast as fashion. The poorer you are, the less you can afford to be prissy. But our reluctance to make a distinction between living together and being committed to each other doesn't do anyone a service. It's hard to make sense of other people's lives. But our desire to blot out difference makes it even harder. There is less up-to-date research in this area than there should be, because marriage no longer exists as a statistical category. The term 'marital status' was abolished in government research in 2003. Everyone is now a 'couple parent family' or a 'lone parent family'. Another result of our squeamishness is that the State intervenes mainly to pick up the pieces of family breakdown - crime, drugs, poverty - rather than trying to prevent it in the first place. This leads some people to see these problems as intractable. But that can't be right. Experiments from Bristol to Milwaukee suggest that you can teach people how to live better together, just as you can give antenatal classes about birth. The paradox is that the more the State tries to intervene, the more it is resented. Normal families don't want to be told what to feed their children. But some people need to be. The Government wants more stability, but it fears stigmatising any group. But to return to where I began. Shona's boyfriend has left her. He said he 'wasn't ready'. She'll be all right. Her own parents - like those of all three of the friends I mentioned - are supportive and are still together. Still living the rather banal suburban existence that we all affect to despise. Stability is so dull. But we need to stop dissing it and take another look at the facts. The London Times November 22, 2007 back to top Thought of the Week It's easy to fall in love, but you have to fight to stay in love. Warwick Marsh back to top All You Need is Love MAKING IT LAST Wednesday, November 14, 2007 By Wendy Gragg, Tribune-Herald staff writer Patricia and Alton Hassell have been writing their love story, day by day, for nearly 28 years. Today they'll tell that story to the world. The Hassells, both Baylor University professors, will be featured on Oprah Winfrey's show today, sharing how they have kept the romance alive in their 40-year marriage by writing love letters to each other every day for almost 28 years. "If we can help other people find this level of communication, it's worth (it)," Alton said. Patricia sent a simple two-sentence e-mail to Oprah last May answering the question of how to keep a love alive. Last week, Oprah's producers invited the two to tell their story on the show. Patricia, 60, and Alton, 62, fell in love while studying at Baylor and married in 1968, before their senior year. The married couple wrote sporadic love letters to each other, but Alton decided in 1980 they should up the ante and commit to a daily practice of it. Patricia, busy with their 2-year-old son and eight months pregnant with their second child, was unsure about the daily commitment. "I looked at him and thought, 'He has got to be crazy,'" she said. They kept turning out the letters, though, through good and bad. "Some of our letters were sent by airmail," Patricia said, as she mimed tossing a notebook across the room. And some letters have become family heirlooms, like those they wrote in the labour and delivery room when Patricia was about to give birth to their daughter Sharina. On the day of Sharina's wedding, Patricia and Alton gave her those letters from the day of her birth. "She was all puddles of tears," Patricia said. Today, the stack of spiral notebooks they've written in is taller than Patricia and weighs more than 100 pounds. The Hassells have a pattern for their daily love notes. In the first part, they talk about their day because that affects the tone of the letter, Patricia said. The second part is 'I love you today because . . .' And for the third part, Patricia and Alton alternate assigning a question of the day. Sometimes the question topic is as simple as plans for the weekend. The question that makes Patricia cry every time is, "If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do?" Every night before bed, they write their letters and then exchange and discuss them. The letters play an important role in their relationship as a line of communication that is always open, Alton said. The letters insist they still communicate, even when mad. And the letters bring things out into the open that might not have been said. "You always have that line of communication, even if it's the only thing you say to each other all day," he said. Along with the letters, the two also have a date every Friday night and surprise each other with 'just because' gifts. Alton, a chemistry professor, said he's too conservative to make a very good romantic, but his words say otherwise. "I don't think marriage is a science at all - it's probably more of an art," he said. "It takes both of you, committing to the marriage, both of you making the decision to love." Patricia said after 40 years and two children, she is still learning about her husband and best friend through his letters. She scoffs at the women who once told her the spark would die after a couple of years. "I said at my wedding shower, 'I never want the romance to end' - and it hasn't," she said. back to top News & Info MEDIA RELEASE - WED 21ST NOVEMBER 2007 Do we ignore violence against men? This Sunday is White Ribbon Day (WRD) and the start of the 16 Days of Activism to Stop Violence Against Women. However the 2005 Personal Safety Australia survey found that in the past 12 months almost twice as many men as women (808,300) were victims of all types of violence; twice as many men as women (485,400) were victims of physical assault; nearly a third of sexual assault victims were men; 864,300 men were harassed and 110,700 men were stalked. The same study found that men were almost as likely as women to experience physical violence within the home (half from females, half from males) and were just as likely as women to experience physical violence from perpetrators who were known to them. Yet the WRD campaign focuses solely on the prevention of violence against women by men. An international coalition of professionals and academics has come out in unequivocal support of anti-violence initiatives, but is concerned that this annual spotlight on violence against women tends to conceal the fact that males are far more likely than females to be assaulted or killed and make up a significant proportion of victims of domestic violence. They are calling on the media to be aware that crime statistics, based on reports to police, are an inaccurate reflection of the extent of domestic violence within the community, as men who are physically assaulted by women are less likely to report it than are women assaulted by men. However, despite this underreporting, 29% of victims of notified domestic violence and 26% of intimate partner homicide victims are men - all of whom are absent in policy provisions. There is very little recognition of women's violence, yet more than a quarter of physical assaults on women are committed by other women. There is also little acknowledgment that violence is most prevalent amongst young people, and is causally linked to social disadvantage, drug and alcohol abuse and mental health issues. The White Ribbon Day campaign tells us that "violence against women is the product of learned attitudes and norms." University of Western Sydney academic Micheal Woods explains, "I think many people would disagree that Australian cultural norms support violence against women, but would readily admit that our culture accepts violence against males." He quotes a 2001 national survey of 5,000 young people aged 12-20, in which the authors noted that "males hitting females was seen, virtually by everyone, to be unacceptable, however, it appeared to be quite acceptable for a girl to hit a boy". They also found "there was no spontaneous recognition that verbal abuse or a female hitting her boyfriend could also constitute dating violence... however these were among the prevalent forms of violence occurring". Researcher Greg Andresen from menshealthaustralia.net suggests "international large population-based research shows women initiate domestic violence as often as men, use weapons more than men, that men suffer one-third of injuries, and that self-defence explains only a small portion of domestic violence by either sex. We're concerned that male victims have been unfairly ignored in these anti-violence campaigns and this contributes to the intergenerational cycle of domestic violence. When male victims are ignored, their kids suffer long-term damage by the exposure and are themselves more likely to commit violence as adults." The coalition of experts is asking Australians to set aside the next 16 days to consider all victims of violence, no matter what their gender, age, ethnicity or sexuality. They are seeking the involvement of the entire community, including government, NGOs, and men's and women's groups, in the establishment of a new national broad anti-violence campaign. Media contacts: Micheal Woods m.woods@uws.edu.au Mob: 0414 710 696 Greg Andresen media@menshealthaustralia.net Mob: 0403 813 925 This media release is an excerpt from a larger paper at www.menshealthaustralia.net/files/WRD07.pdf "FAMILY IS EVERYTHING" says Prime minister elect Kevin Rudd in his victory speech on Saturday night. A very strong statement that was included in his vision and confirmation for Australia's future. The Fatherhood Foundation shall continue to promote and be active with the new government about the state of Fatherlessness in Australia. back to top Dad's Prayer Dear God Help me take the initiative in love, not just in the bedroom, but in opening doors of opportunity - Opportunity to learn and grow, Opportunity to listen, Opportunity to love, Opportunity to help build a better marriage, Together with my wife. Together we can make a difference. Together we can love our children. Together we can experience the mystery of oneness. Together we can enjoy each other. back to top Help Us Click here for more information about us Help Us! The Fatherhood Foundation is a Harm Prevention Charity. Fatherlessness and inadequate fathering has been proven to be a source of harm. The Fatherhood Foundation helps children by promoting excellence in fathering. Excellent fathers are in word and deed: responsible, involved, protective, loving and committed to the well-being of their children and their children's mother. If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund and receive tax deductibility: Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund (Name, address and amount details must be emailed for a receipt for tax deductibility) Westpac Branch Wollongong BSB: 032 695 A/C: 25-5558 Or mail cheque and address details to: PO Box 440 WOLLONGONG NSW 2520 AUSTRALIA The Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund is a public fund listed on the Register of Harm Prevention Charities under Subdivision 30_EA of the Income Tax Assessment Act 1997. You have received the fathersonline.org newsletter because you have subscribed, or you have been subscribed by a friend. If you do not wish to receive future emails, please click the UNSUBSCRIBE button below or send an email to info@fathersonline.org with the word UNSUBSCRIBE in the subject heading. back to top Click Here to Unsubscribe ------=_NextPart_000_23C8_01C82F8E.ADB85760 Content-Type: text/html; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Fatherhood Foundation
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Issue 275- 26th November, 2007 Go to our website Here


Hello & Welcome Brian

They say that the price of safety is eternal vigilance. I think the same could be said about Marriage.  Andre Maurois said, 'A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day.' Keeping the spark alive is a full time occupation. My wife and I have been married for 32 years this month. We have certainly had our difficulties. Often I jokingly say after announcing the longevity of our marriage that my wife should get a gold medal for putting up with me for so long. Mind you I think I should have a gold medal too. All women have their hormonal ups and downs. Even King Solomon, who had a thousand wives said, 'A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day. ! Restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand.' I think maybe King Solomon knew a lot about PMS (pre-menstrual tension).

 

The bottom line is that we can all be hard to live with at times.  In our weekly newsletters I have written before about the huge differences between the male and female. These differences are what attract men and women to each other in the first place and it is the enormity of the differences that often drive us further apart.

 

How do you keep the spark alive? I think the imagery of a fire says it all. We often think of marriage as a static thing that never changes. If the truth be known, marriage is much more like a fire that burns very strongly from time to time but can often fade into a cold black darkness if no attention is given to it.

 

Marriage is in many ways a man-made fire and requires oxygen and fuel. A man-made fire needs planning and direction. For that reason my wife and I regularly read books and articles on marriage and also try to get to marriage seminars. Our goal is to attend a marriage seminar every year to keep the oxygen and fuel up to the fire.  We have too many friends that have been divorced. We have seen the heartache. We have seen the pain and my own parents' marriage would have been classed as highly dysfunctional. Today my parents would have divorced, and I'm glad they didn't, but the 'pain remains the same' as the song goes. Pain is a huge motivator and I am not ashamed to say it has probably been one of the main driving forces for me. Now the wonderful mystery of love has overtaken the pain and my simple goal is to keep the fire burning strong.!

 

So, as it was coming up time to take a marriage refresher, my wife and I attended an Oz FamilyLife 'Day to Treasure'. It is the third Oz FamilyLife marriage course that we have attended, and it won't be the last. Once you stop learning, you start dying.

 

What did we learn?

 

1) Conflict is common to all marriages

2) Unresolved conflict can destroy a marriage

3) Conflict must be resolved lovingly by open discussion

4) Resolving conflict requires forgiveness, often by both parties

5) Resolving conflict leads to a better marriage.

 

That was only one of the topics. You can imagine how good the rest of the day was. What did we take away from the Day to Treasure?

 www.ozfamily.org.au/Default.aspx 
 

 Our top three priorities as a couple, determined at the course are:

 

1) Work less - prioritise our family more

2) Couch time - more time sitting on the lounge talking at the end of the day (sounds simple, but why is it so hard to do?)

3) Creative romance and making more time for sex.

 

The most amazing thing was that the last one was not even my idea. I think I will have to go to more marriage seminars!

 

Lovework

 

Yep, you guessed it. Stoke the fire of love and book in now to a marriage seminar for you and your wife. You will not regret it. More importantly, you children will be the beneficiaries. The more love you have the more you can share.

 

Marriage Encounter

Oz FamilyLife www.ozfamily.org.au/Default.aspx

Celebrate Love www.celebratelove.com.au/html/dates___details.html  

Connect 2 http://www.families.org.au/shop/products.aspx?id=BA232

 

Yours for more love

Warwick Marsh

 

PS The Australian Federal Election result has been interesting

___________________________________________________________

Warwick Marsh  has been married to Alison for 32 years. He is the father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in age from 26 years to 14 years.  Warwick is a musician, songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at himself.

back to top

Grandads

 


A Marriage Kit

By Charlie W Shedd

 

Many couples make the mistake of thinking

that two saying "I do!" means "We did it!"

They assume that by the mere act of climbing the chancel steps

they have already vaulted the stairs into seventh heaven?

 

Marriage may be 'made in heaven' in the original.

But the whole deal is more like one of those kits

which comes knocked down for putting together.

It will take some gluing here,

sanding rough spots there,

hammering a bit now,

filing down the scratches on this side,

planing a bit on that side,

carving a piece,

bending this section slightly,

varnishing,

backing off for a frequent look,

dusting, waxing, polishing,

until at last what you have is

a thing of beauty and a joy forever.

back to top

Laughter

 

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?" 

______________________________________________          

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

back to top

Single Dads

 

Tony's Diary

 

Recently I have been fortunate enough to spend time with my family who are scattered across the country. Some of you may say that idea would not be so fortunate, but for me it was. I find great sadness that here I am over 50 years of age and I have all these nephews and nieces that I really do not know and who really do not know me. Who is at fault? Well certainly me and I guess they should own a bit as well. I guess that John Lennon quote fits in well here, 'Life is what happens, while you are busy making other plans'. Anyway the main thing was I was able to connect even if for only for a short period of time.

Last Thursday week I was in Paddington Sydney doing a radio interview with Georgie Vestey at EASTSIDE FM., we had a great talk exploring the good times, the sad times and the in between times of divorce and separation. I will let you all know when it airs. Georgie ! is also looking for future interviewees on the subject of...wait for it...male domestic violence, in other words violence perpetrated on the male of the species......hmmm that will be controversial and also another show on the second wives, how hard is that, remarried, two sets of kids from separate marriages, dad fighting to get to see the kids from the first marriage, depression, money issues you name it.

Interested??? Please contact me at dids@nor.com.au (but must be in the Sydney area) and willing to talk on air although anonymously.

Georgie is an absolutely courageous women and I will let you know as these shows air and will endeavour to stream them on this site.

 

On Friday I was in Sydney for the 9/11 Event "What is happening to our children", organised by Michael Riddell. Very powerful day and had the good fortune to hear Ed Debrowski speak. Ed is running for the senate over in WA. I know Ed well as he is also our dids Bunbury facilitator and is the Federal Director of the Shared Parenting Council among other things. He spoke from the heart and I am impressed with people who speak from the heart. There is no BS about Ed, what you see is what you get. A quiet, gentle, honest, thoughtful, generous DAD. He is a good man and one who deserves your attention, a champion of children and parent rights.

I also got to hear the Hon Ann Bressington MLA speak, a lady of courage and sincerity and author Karla Lee with her children's books helping kids deal with the issues of divor! ce and separation. Ed presented me with an award, a beautiful glass trophy etched with the words 'The Shared Parenting Council of Australia presents this Champion Of Children/Champion Of Families Outstanding Achievement Award to Tony Miller. In recognition of distinguished service Advancing Children's Rights and Shared Parenting. It was beautiful and will take pride of place in my home. In my speech I shared something I caught from each of the speakers, but more importantly shared how humble I felt in the presence of those in that room and the reality that I am just a dad with an L plate still attached. I shared of my beautiful boy who is on the needle somewhere in Sydney, I shared of the child sexual abuse I suffered and survived and I shared of visiting the concentration camps in Poland and the lesson of forgiveness I tried to implant upon my other son. When I f! inally arrived back at my hotel that night I stood by the window staring out and wondering where my boy was and the irony of getting an award for some kind of distinguished service for children, staring, knowing he was out there somewhere, staring, knowing he was in pain, staring, then drawing the blinds as if somehow that stops the hurt. I gotta tell ya, it doesn't and as much as I am grateful and humbled by the award, I feel less then deserving............ 

 

Tony Miller Founder

Dads in Distress

http://www.dadsindistress.asn.au  

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Special Feature

 

Why we all need to commit

My attitude to marriage is changing. My middle-class reluctance to judge others is fading.

By Camilla Cavendish

 

My friend Ann and her girlfriend are having IVF in New York. My friend Hatty is 'basting' every month in London with a gay male friend who has offered to help her have the baby she longs for. My mate Shona shacked up with her boyfriend the day she met him, and was pregnant after two months. They all ask: do you think I'm doing the right thing?

 

What can I say? Except that it's pure luck that I ended up with a nice bloke, two children and a ring on my finger, and I could never judge any of these three for finding their own way to make a family. They are educated, they are solvent, they are mature, they have inner resources that will make them great parents.

 

So when the BBC recently asked me to make a radio programme about the return of marriage to the centre of political debate, I assumed I'd be taking a pretty liberal line. Experts of all political stripes are agreed that stability is hugely important for children. But stability, I figured, surely came in all shapes and sizes.

 

The reality nags at me. Analysis of the Millennium Cohort Study, of 18,500 babies born in 2000 and 2001, finds that education, income and age (the higher the better) are important factors in whether two parents will stay together. But the biggest single determinant of stability is whether they are married or not. About half - half! - of cohabitees split up before their child reaches 5. The richest 20 per cent of cohabiting couples do better, but their rate of breakup is no better than that of the poorest 20 per cent of married couples. So while poverty puts a strain on relationships, marriage seems to buffer that strain.

 

This has made me wonder whether it is a bit of a middle-class luxury to be so reluctant to judge other people's relationships. Is it, in fact, a kind of snobbery in those of us who babble about the liberation of alternative life choices, who know nothing of the ugliness and loneliness of a teenage mother's life on benefits? We like to think of lone mothers as robust martyrs, struggling but winning in quiet, spartan homes. But at the lower end of the scale the reality is often a succession of boyfriends who bring a hugely inflated risk of domestic violence both to the mother and to the child who witnesses it (who is more likely in his turn to become violent).

 

What we are really doing, when we say that anything goes, is denigrating commitment. And that is a problem. For commitment, experts agree, can make the difference between a happy, well-adjusted child and one for whom life will be much more of a struggle. In fact, lack of parental commitment is a serious barrier to social mobility.

 

I still don't think it's the ring on the finger that matters as much as the attitudes that seem to go with marriage. Can we bottle these and spread them around? Academics at Denver University have developed a 'theory of commitment' that says, essentially, that the best relationships are those in which two people see themselves as 'us' more than as 'you and me'. They make sacrifices for each other, and give priority to each other's needs. They have found that men who 'slide' into relationships, moving in before they get engaged, often remain less committed to the relationship (whether or not they eventually get married) than men who 'decide' first that they want to get married and then move in together.

 

While the women they study tend to see moving in as the point of commitment, many of the men admit they are still hoping to find someone better. When a child comes along, they are more likely to feel trapped than those who can see that child fitting into a lifetime commitment. Maybe this explains why some UK charities now describe children who have never known an adult to put their needs first - a dismal fact that I have found myself coming back to over and over; a selfishness of desperate proportions.

 

The Denver study is a surprising, modern vindication of an old-fashioned idea. You don't get much support from your peers these days if you ask him not to move in until you're engaged. But human nature does not always move as fast as fashion. The poorer you are, the less you can afford to be prissy. But our reluctance to make a distinction between living together and being committed to each other doesn't do anyone a service.

 

It's hard to make sense of other people's lives. But our desire to blot out difference makes it even harder. There is less up-to-date research in this area than there should be, because marriage no longer exists as a statistical category. The term 'marital status' was abolished in government research in 2003. Everyone is now a 'couple parent family' or a 'lone parent family'.

 

Another result of our squeamishness is that the State intervenes mainly to pick up the pieces of family breakdown - crime, drugs, poverty - rather than trying to prevent it in the first place. This leads some people to see these problems as intractable. But that can't be right. Experiments from Bristol to Milwaukee suggest that you can teach people how to live better together, just as you can give antenatal classes about birth.

 

The paradox is that the more the State tries to intervene, the more it is resented. Normal families don't want to be told what to feed their children.

But some people need to be. The Government wants more stability, but it fears stigmatising any group.

 

But to return to where I began. Shona's boyfriend has left her. He said he 'wasn't ready'. She'll be all right. Her own parents - like those of all three of the friends I mentioned - are supportive and are still together.

Still living the rather banal suburban existence that we all affect to despise. Stability is so dull. But we need to stop dissing it and take another look at the facts.

 

The London Times

November 22, 2007 

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Thought of the Week

 

It's easy to fall in love,
but you have to fight
to stay in love.
 
Warwick Marsh

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All You Need is Love

MAKING IT LAST

 

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

By Wendy Gragg, Tribune-Herald staff writer

 

Patricia and Alton Hassell have been writing their love story, day by day, for nearly 28 years. Today they'll tell that story to the world.

 

The Hassells, both Baylor University professors, will be featured on Oprah Winfrey's show today, sharing how they have kept the romance alive in their 40-year marriage by writing love letters to each other every day for almost 28 years.

 

"If we can help other people find this level of communication, it's worth (it)," Alton said.

 

Patricia sent a simple two-sentence e-mail to Oprah last May answering the question of how to keep a love alive. Last week, Oprah's producers invited the two to tell their story on the show.

 

Patricia, 60, and Alton, 62, fell in love while studying at Baylor and married in 1968, before their senior year. The married couple wrote sporadic love letters to each other, but Alton decided in 1980 they should up the ante and commit to a daily practice of it. Patricia, busy with their 2-year-old son and eight months pregnant with their second child, was unsure about the daily commitment.

 

"I looked at him and thought, 'He has got to be crazy,'" she said.

 

They kept turning out the letters, though, through good and bad.

 

"Some of our letters were sent by airmail," Patricia said, as she mimed tossing a notebook across the room.

 

And some letters have become family heirlooms, like those they wrote in the labour and delivery room when Patricia was about to give birth to their daughter Sharina. On the day of Sharina's wedding, Patricia and Alton gave her those letters from the day of her birth.

 

"She was all puddles of tears," Patricia said.

 

Today, the stack of spiral notebooks they've written in is taller than Patricia and weighs more than 100 pounds.

 

The Hassells have a pattern for their daily love notes. In the first part, they talk about their day because that affects the tone of the letter, Patricia said. The second part is 'I love you today because . . .' And for the third part, Patricia and Alton alternate assigning a question of the day. Sometimes the question topic is as simple as plans for the weekend. The question that makes Patricia cry every time is, "If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do?"

 

Every night before bed, they write their letters and then exchange and discuss them.

 

The letters play an important role in their relationship as a line of communication that is always open, Alton said. The letters insist they still communicate, even when mad. And the letters bring things out into the open that might not have been said.

 

"You always have that line of communication, even if it's the only thing you say to each other all day," he said.

 

Along with the letters, the two also have a date every Friday night and surprise each other with 'just because' gifts. Alton, a chemistry professor, said he's too conservative to make a very good romantic, but his words say otherwise.

 

"I don't think marriage is a science at all - it's probably more of an art," he said. "It takes both of you, committing to the marriage, both of you making the decision to love."

 

Patricia said after 40 years and two children, she is still learning about her husband and best friend through his letters. She scoffs at the women who once told her the spark would die after a couple of years.

 

"I said at my wedding shower, 'I never want the romance to end' - and it hasn't," she said.

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News & Info

 

 

MEDIA RELEASE  - WED 21ST NOVEMBER 2007

 

Do we ignore violence against men?

 

This Sunday is White Ribbon Day (WRD) and the start of the 16 Days of Activism to Stop Violence Against Women. However the 2005 Personal Safety Australia survey found that in the past 12 months almost twice as many men as women (808,300) were victims of all types of violence; twice as many men as women (485,400) were victims of physical assault; nearly a third of sexual assault victims were men; 864,300 men were harassed and 110,700 men were stalked. The same study found that men were almost as likely as women to experience physical violence within the home (half from females, half from males) and were just as likely as women to experience physical violence from perpetrators who were known to them. Yet the WRD campaign focuses solely on the prevention of violence against women by men.

 

An international coalition of professionals and academics has come out in unequivocal support of anti-violence initiatives, but is concerned that this annual spotlight on violence against women tends to conceal the fact that males are far more likely than females to be assaulted or killed and make up a significant proportion of victims of domestic violence. They are calling on the media to be aware that crime statistics, based on reports to police, are an inaccurate reflection of the extent of domestic violence within the community, as men who are physically assaulted by women are less likely to report it than are women assaulted by men. However, despite this underreporting, 29% of victims of notified domestic violence and 26% of intimate partner homicide victims are men - all of whom are absent in policy provisions. There is very little recognition of women's! violence, yet more than a quarter of physical assaults on women are committed by other women. There is also little acknowledgment that violence is most prevalent amongst young people, and is causally linked to social disadvantage, drug and alcohol abuse and mental health issues.

 

The White Ribbon Day campaign tells us that "violence against women is the product of learned attitudes and norms." University of Western Sydney academic Micheal Woods explains, "I think many people would disagree that Australian cultural norms support violence against women, but would readily admit that our culture accepts violence against males." He quotes a 2001 national survey of 5,000 young people aged 12-20, in which the authors noted that "males hitting females was seen, virtually by everyone, to be unacceptable, however, it appeared to be quite acceptable for a girl to hit a boy". They also found "there was no spontaneous recognition that verbal abuse or a female hitting her boyfriend could also constitute dating violence... however these were among the prevalent forms of violence occurring".

 

Researcher Greg Andresen from menshealthaustralia.net suggests "international large population-based research shows women initiate domestic violence as often as men, use weapons more than men, that men suffer one-third of injuries, and that self-defence explains only a small portion of domestic violence by either sex. We're concerned that male victims have been unfairly ignored in these anti-violence campaigns and this contributes to the intergenerational cycle of domestic violence. When male victims are ignored, their kids suffer long-term damage by the exposure and are themselves more likely to commit violence as adults."

 

The coalition of experts is asking Australians to set aside the next 16 days to consider all victims of violence, no matter what their gender, age, ethnicity or sexuality. They are seeking the involvement of the entire community, including government, NGOs, and men's and women's groups, in the establishment of a new national broad anti-violence campaign.

       

Media contacts:

Micheal Woods   m.woods@uws.edu.au       Mob: 0414 710 696      

Greg Andresen   media@menshealthaustralia.net    Mob: 0403 813 925

 

This media release is an excerpt from a larger paper at www.menshealthaustralia.net/files/WRD07.pdf 

 

 

 

"FAMILY IS EVERYTHING" says Prime minister elect Kevin Rudd in his victory speech on Saturday night.

A very strong statement that was included in his vision and confirmation for Australia's future.

The Fatherhood Foundation shall continue to promote and be active with the new government about the state of Fatherlessness in Australia.

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Dad's Prayer

Dear God

 

Help me take the initiative in love,

not just in the bedroom,

but in opening doors of opportunity -

Opportunity to learn and grow,

Opportunity to listen,

Opportunity to love,

Opportunity to help build a better marriage,

Together with my wife.

Together we can make a difference.

Together we can love our children.

Together we can experience the mystery of oneness.

Together we can enjoy each other.

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Help Us

Click here for more information about us

Help Us!

The Fatherhood Foundation is a Harm Prevention Charity.
Fatherlessness and inadequate fathering has been proven to be a source of harm.

The Fatherhood Foundation helps children by promoting excellence  in fathering. Excellent fathers are in word and deed: responsible, involved, protective, loving and committed to the well-being of their children and their children's mother.

If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund and receive tax deductibility:

Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund
(Name, address and amount details must be emailed for a receipt for tax deductibility)
Westpac Branch Wollongong
BSB: 032 695
A/C: 25-5558

Or mail cheque and address details to:
PO Box 440
WOLLONGONG  NSW  2520
AUSTRALIA

The Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund  is a public fund listed on the Register of Harm Prevention Charities under Subdivision 30_EA of the Income Tax Assessment Act 1997.

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