Received: from evaki.its.uow.edu.au ([130.130.68.32]) by anubis.ad.uow.edu.au with Microsoft SMTPSVC(6.0.3790.3959); Sun, 9 Mar 2008 08:06:34 +1100 Received: from febris-nat.its.uow.edu.au ([130.130.68.210] helo=febris.its.uow.edu.au) by evaki.its.uow.edu.au with esmtp (Exim 4.69) (envelope-from ) id 1JY6FX-0000je-8E for blane@uow.edu.au; Sun, 09 Mar 2008 08:06:35 +1100 Received: from c3.confirmedcc.com (c3.confirmedcc.com [64.95.77.164]) by febris.its.uow.edu.au (MOS 3.8.5-GA) with ESMTP id IUW22243; Sun, 9 Mar 2008 08:06:30 +1100 (EST) Received: from p1-ws008 (unknown [10.250.0.101]) by c3.confirmedcc.com (Postfix) with ESMTP id 9283098CBF for ; Sat, 8 Mar 2008 21:06:24 +0000 (UTC) Message-ID: <1102006823362.1101938345415.1211.8.138160502@scheduler> Date: Sat, 8 Mar 2008 16:06:24 -0500 (EST) From: Fatherhood Foundation Reply-To: info@fathersonline.org To: blane@uow.edu.au Subject: Heroes & Villains Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="----=_Part_360761_1213779557.1205010384581" X-Mailer: Roving Constant Contact 0 (http://www.constantcontact.com) List-Unsubscribe: http://visitor.constantcontact.com/d.jsp?p=un&v=001jm8CFGIzLJHYg-gJRLc-3d90mBLDU8ykq3nBpJQc9pytJP0QM1unPw== X-Return-Path-Hint: ESC1102006823362_1101938345415_1211@in.confirmedcc.com X-Roving-ID: 1101938345415.1211 X-Lumos-SenderID: 1101938345415 X-Roving-CampaignId: 1102006823362 X-Roving-StreamId: 0 X-Junkmail-Status: score=10/49, host=febris.its.uow.edu.au X-Junkmail-SD-Raw: score=unknown, refid=str=0001.0A090201.47D2FFD9.0108,ss=1,fgs=0, ip=64.95.77.164, so=2007-07-31 18:51:00, dmn=5.4.3/2008-02-01 Return-Path: ESC1102006823362_1101938345415_1211@in.confirmedcc.com X-OriginalArrivalTime: 08 Mar 2008 21:06:34.0920 (UTC) FILETIME=[4AA48A80:01C88160] ------=_Part_360761_1213779557.1205010384581 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 10th March 2008 Inspiring Fathers Encouraging Families Issue 290 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Heroes & Villains ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Brian, Welcome to the Fatherhood Foundation newsletter and email information service for the fathers and families as we look at Heroes & Villains. In This Issue Frontline...Becoming your children's hero Laughter..What an idiot Grandfathers...Date night re-invented All You Need is Love..Divorce proofing Single Dads...Time with the kids Special Feature...The plight of the Father News & Info...Compass & Chores Dad's Prayer..Help me to choose my friends ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Next Week Brian, Easter Family Holidays ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [http://visitor.constantcontact.com/email.jsp?m=1101938345415] Join our Mailing List! [http://visitor.constantcontact.com/email.jsp?m=1101938345415] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Quick Links Fatherhood Foundation [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQH64QS3qDJRPc_-UM2xKpPTXPcvRpbRCHHR1xaJXsSki0UJYXzHXQlEcCWIz7yugjRc13Swn3ILhdjxh1IlJcQ8ndaoGJGM6RRDzOrQKRO2tA==] [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQH64QS3qDJRPc_-UM2xKpPTXPcvRpbRCHHR1xaJXsSki0UJYXzHXQlEcCWIz7yugjRc13Swn3ILhdjxh1IlJcQ8ndaoGJGM6RRDzOrQKRO2tA==] Lone Fathers [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQFOzmlG0ut8bZOqLEvxUrPlBEtlZJSdbD4y6tFzGKRsWlpQkFDPmTGq9OGLEsLX6mO7KmPqh-S8WHnHZLBEy77PQXS3qRGFI77rnt-jZOpcHodCQyWTyXsb] [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQH64QS3qDJRPc_-UM2xKpPTXPcvRpbRCHHR1xaJXsSki0UJYXzHXQlEcCWIz7yugjRc13Swn3ILhdjxh1IlJcQ8ndaoGJGM6RRDzOrQKRO2tA==] Fatherhood Project [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQEuEcuAcFnKIQZUBStm8f8kOG-PLBhMwwbWi7Q3Uec2ryhz5TGIDWw6cnwj30-X6BRncLRMMYeEqfNWAp-UJXAdy_SIHL9LN0GF2Hfrhutj4g==] [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQH64QS3qDJRPc_-UM2xKpPTXPcvRpbRCHHR1xaJXsSki0UJYXzHXQlEcCWIz7yugjRc13Swn3ILhdjxh1IlJcQ8ndaoGJGM6RRDzOrQKRO2tA==] Fatherhood Institute UK [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQFwr2XVQ_OFRR9NlqY4wG3jPn8-9_iP5pOHxhhR4m5eTzO2Iw5p2PXR4rAaFLPa2BmKa08JJIJCdDmMB_s7vPoT3joF61-9GhMMoSRqOjm9SZ3mdeVbD5yU] [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQH64QS3qDJRPc_-UM2xKpPTXPcvRpbRCHHR1xaJXsSki0UJYXzHXQlEcCWIz7yugjRc13Swn3ILhdjxh1IlJcQ8ndaoGJGM6RRDzOrQKRO2tA==] Marriage Education [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQGCZ7xCpx-XszadjOmofRoJ6hrygwxiXyV67SHAdFvGwW6bO2bQOkea8CnnXNRDSNrTLAwdR6z_FHABASQc1clqAfjzydGSH0z_CjUpslbQgDmH7p0P3YYM] [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQH64QS3qDJRPc_-UM2xKpPTXPcvRpbRCHHR1xaJXsSki0UJYXzHXQlEcCWIz7yugjRc13Swn3ILhdjxh1IlJcQ8ndaoGJGM6RRDzOrQKRO2tA==] 100 Good Men [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQHb3Fa9_hfOtRzhVHoDpI_aB6ksnMU-xzDKzfHMi0jzNxYnm1flY-8aoHzQ_NnWksjFRToG432VZIxbiZyY6tQedbDi9AmT240G2kI8V2sC_MUJR9gxrzgvWPHglsI3DpKHVNT99PkZPLCQYi_LSwQtkdgyqWNgTX8tVZBTCd2QhhlMsrhW-QokhwgNnpU9rPVc5lwm6prZ_5QYMtwkADkMYweuZZG90iA=] [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQH64QS3qDJRPc_-UM2xKpPTXPcvRpbRCHHR1xaJXsSki0UJYXzHXQlEcCWIz7yugjRc13Swn3ILhdjxh1IlJcQ8ndaoGJGM6RRDzOrQKRO2tA==] Salt Shakers [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQFtYMMl9QnhvxhcMqnqLECNmtQEw7I0RK-qSNbujvKpLoflaCEMmD4cHV6usZwRN0cl5XaPl0RqQYqsahI3R_zxbnCQElaBATgB1GheqNS1JF2_sWnwn_7K] [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQH64QS3qDJRPc_-UM2xKpPTXPcvRpbRCHHR1xaJXsSki0UJYXzHXQlEcCWIz7yugjRc13Swn3ILhdjxh1IlJcQ8ndaoGJGM6RRDzOrQKRO2tA==] Civitas UK [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQFky1kBaWkGE9-AmEarfFVGe0ASfJJFzwowvJg62OQ2dqMWgRVpI0Ch76LUPPay-HhWKr8YEYteJGbccOaYcWetYeRKLAQmXuD3rSMQuaZl2C4bpYk2Yu9DBxdyU9-O7TUB38QhtMBnOA==] [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQH64QS3qDJRPc_-UM2xKpPTXPcvRpbRCHHR1xaJXsSki0UJYXzHXQlEcCWIz7yugjRc13Swn3ILhdjxh1IlJcQ8ndaoGJGM6RRDzOrQKRO2tA==] Bruce Robinson [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQE4S6SnOqnjEC5BrDF9aog4H0FJrl8kzr7bOCEqY4veQyOEiaG5rJYECcWg75I6IEyJQQA4bNKpyFT8t27I2lRe1hZ5NFyi1N4iiwYEOruhTNVNKBZ_ohEGGo8KQtDI2xA=] CSA Adverts [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQHA4gb4n4CshSa1S8K2S9DQgPCDbr4fJn4d9VgeZEPwtQiMN6SczLHXBmYT_bPJt0AovVcFFQ3wyo9jrah_8ANsoN-eaRI1jVFh8zpJ3GdM9q7Eva42xE2gQ-pVCGdDOfV0Ts8AvqdKfQ==] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thought of the Week Show me the five people you look up to and you call your friends and I will show you the sort of person you will be in five years time. Rohan Dredge ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Frontline "Show me the five people you look up to and you call your friends and I will show you the sort of person you will be in 5 years time." This was the bold statement made by Rohan Dredge at a men's breakfast that I attended last week. Rohan knows that we all need heroes. Rohan Dredge is a life coach and executive trainer, who has a passion to develop the male of the species. He has a profound understanding of the spiritual implications of manhood and he makes a living helping people get to the next level in life. The problem is most people don't know where they are going and their choice of mentors and friendships shows that very clearly. In Special Feature this week, 'The Plight of the Father', we have an excerpt from Robert Bly's book, Iron John. Bly talks about the disconnection that has occurred since the industrial revolution between fathers and their children. For centuries fathers taught their sons the basics of horticulture or a trade in close proximity, 'murderous close proximity' is the phrase that Bly uses. Robert Bly is very much aware of the crisis of fatherlessness besetting our modern culture. Bly says: "As I've participated in men's gatherings since the early 1980s, I've heard one statement over and over from American males, which has been phrased in a hundred different ways: 'There is not enough father.' The sentence implies that father is a substance like salt, which in earlier times was occasionally in short supply, or like groundwater, which in some areas no has simply disappeared." Robert Bly points out that the fatherless vacuum that has been created in our society has been filled with a derogation of masculinity and father figures instead. He even confesses his own mistakes in his own poetic way. "I offered my help in undermining Zeus(masculine) energy during my twenties and thirties. I attacked every older man in the literary community who was within arrow range, and enjoyed seeing the arrow pass through his body, arrows impelled by the tense energy bottled in my psyche." It could be argued that we live in the era of the anti-hero, where the villain is worshipped more than the hero. Today we have anti-hero skateboards, anti-hero comics, anti-hero music and we even have a band in Canada named 'Anti-Hero'. Perhaps the symptoms of our fatherless society are displayed on the walls of our children's bedrooms: Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Heath Ledger, Pete Doherty, Ben Cousins, Wayne Carey. For the older children in our society it might have been Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix and the dinosaur of rock and roll himself, Mick Jagger, who still sings today, "I can't get no satisfaction'. When I was growing up I admired the artistry of Janis and Jimi and their untimely deaths were deeply mourned. Although I didn't put Janis and Jimi on my wall, I did have the picture of Larry Norman. I looked up to him as a leader in the Jesus movement. Billboard Magazine called him the most important songwriter since Paul Simon. Others said he was the 'Father of Christian Rock. Time Magazine claimed he was 'the most significant artist in his field'. For me, he was a revolutionary character who dared to buck the system. Many in the establishment of his day hated him. His phone was allegedly tapped by the CIA. Some even say the 'Jesus Movement' of the 60s and 70s started in his kitchen. Sadly Larry Norman [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQE2Z_g4c6lGdrG-jr49KC_7nQa6X5qkhQ_5l_JOcPFlNXS86jfxXLw62TwOVzZwWjb_60zVpv2NVuHfJzgHJH-VQnogj6rWm9ruPo4Omweeuw==] died last week. Often it is not just how a man lives but how he dies that speaks about his character and tells us whether he was a hero or not. Larry Norman's last words tell us a lot about him: "I feel like a prize in a box of cracker jacks with God's hand reaching down to pick me up. I have been under medical care for months. My wounds are getting bigger. I have trouble breathing. I am ready to fly home. My brother Charles is right, I won't be here much longer . . My plan is to be buried in a simple pine box with some flowers inside . . . I want to say I love you. I'd like to push back the darkness with my bravest effort . . . Goodbye, farewell, we will meet again. I pray that you will stay with God. Goodbye, my friends goodbye." I grew up with a great dad. When I could see him! My parent's fighting kept me away from him for years on end. Thankfully it was not permanent. But I did have a small circle of friends. Some were on my wall and some lived down the street and sure enough, I become like them over the course of time. Maybe Rohan Dredge's comment is right and not so bold after all. Lovework Love your children's mother. Don't fight her. Just love her. Love your children. Spend time with them. The only way that you will get on your children's wall is if you have your children in your heart now. Yours for our children Warwick Marsh PS From next Tuesday, 11th March, , check out Dads on the Air Dads on the Air [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQG1o23Pft4P9fbmRMGWap7wzOcGWnod6pg8yb24katYFUOl78X-K8Ozj0lFJrCsLhSbXE0oGi-JN7QLN_NHXrTI0vKhhWT5LS26uw3WYIwGGA==] radio programme. The Fatherhood Foundation did the whole programme. Paul Saurine from dads in distress helped us and we also talked to Rick Johnson from www.betterdads.net [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQF4aHDtWiirHy2nIMxOVCcfy1G-U3qlWC1x9zk_NR-DamnQR0WIHnkhCKNIgT2w82Fl9wi3Z5hAvM2_yVt45rRglPB6yNHLySC4bS1i0AAd_Q==] Full details in News & Info. ______________________________________________________________________________ Warwick Marsh has been married to Alison for 32 years. He is the grandfather of two children and father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging in age from 27 years to 15 years. Warwick is a musician, songwriter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at himself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Laughter 6 Truths of Life 1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue. 2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it. 3. The first truth is a lie. 4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot. 5. You soon will forward this to another idiot. 6. There's still a stupid smile on your face. Sorry about this,....I'm an idiot and I needed company,...:-) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Grandfathers Reinventing Date Night for Long-Married Couples The New York Times February 12, 2008 By TARA PARKER-POPE Long-married couples often schedule a weekly 'date night', a regular evening out with friends or at a favorite restaurant to strengthen their marital bond. But brain and behavior researchers say many couples are going about date night all wrong. Simply spending quality time together is probably not enough to prevent a relationship from getting stale. Using laboratory studies, real-world experiments and even brain-scan data, scientists can now offer long-married couples a simple prescription for rekindling the romantic love that brought them together in the first place. The solution? Reinventing date night. Rather than visiting the same familiar haunts and dining with the same old friends, couples need to tailor their date nights around new and different activities that they both enjoy, says Arthur Aron, a professor of social psychology at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. The goal is to find ways to keep injecting novelty into the relationship. The activity can be as simple as trying a new restaurant or something a little more unusual or thrilling, like taking an art class or going to an amusement park. The theory is based on brain science. New experiences activate the brain's reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine. These are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love, a time of exhilaration and obsessive thoughts about a new partner. (They are also the brain chemicals involved in drug addiction and obsessive-compulsive disorder.) Most studies of love and marriage show that the decline of romantic love over time is inevitable. The butterflies of early romance quickly flutter away and are replaced by familiar, predictable feelings of long-term attachment. But several experiments show that novelty, simply doing new things together as a couple, may help bring the butterflies back, recreating the chemical surges of early courtship. 'We don't really know what's going on in the brain, but as you trigger and amp up this reward system in the brain that is associated with romantic love, it's reasonable to suggest that it's enabling you to feel more romantic love," said the anthropologist Helen E. Fisher, of Rutgers, who has published several studies on the neural basis of romantic love. "You're altering your brain chemistry." Over the past several years, Dr. Aron and his colleagues have tested the novelty theory in a series of experiments with long-married couples. In one of the earliest studies, the researchers recruited 53 middle-aged couples. Using standard questionnaires, the researchers measured the couples' relationship quality and then randomly assigned them to one of three groups. One group was instructed to spend 90 minutes a week doing pleasant and familiar activities, like dining out or going to a movie. Couples in another group were instructed to spend 90 minutes a week on 'exciting' activities that appealed to both husband and wife. Those couples did things they didn't typically do, attending concerts or plays, skiing, hiking and dancing. The third group was not assigned any particular activity. After 10 weeks, the couples again took tests to gauge the quality of their relationships. Those who had undertaken the 'exciting' date nights showed a significantly greater increase in marital satisfaction than the 'pleasant' date night group. While the results were compelling, they weren't conclusive. The experiment didn't occur in a controlled setting, and numerous variables could have affected the final results. More recently, Dr. Aron and colleagues have created laboratory experiments to test the effects of novelty on marriage. In one set of experiments, some couples are assigned a mundane task that involves simply walking back and forth across a room. Other couples, however, take part in a more challenging exercise, their wrists and ankles are bound together as they crawl back and forth pushing a ball. Before and after the exercise, the couples were asked things like, "How bored are you with your current relationship?" The couples who took part in the more challenging and novel activity showed bigger increases in love and satisfaction scores, while couples performing the mundane task showed no meaningful changes. Dr. Aron cautions that novelty alone is probably not enough to save a marriage in crisis. But for couples who have a reasonably good but slightly dull relationship, novelty may help reignite old sparks. And recent brain-scan studies show that romantic love really can last years into a marriage. Last week, at the Society for Personality and Social Psychology conference in Albuquerque, researchers presented brain-scan data on several men and women who had been married for 10 or more years. Interviews and questionnaires suggested they were still intensely in love with their partners. Brain scans confirmed it, showing increased brain activity associated with romantic love when the subjects saw pictures of their spouses. It's not clear why some couples are able to maintain romantic intensity even after years together. But the scientists believe regular injections of novelty and excitement most likely play a role. "You don't have to swing from the chandeliers," Dr. Fisher said. "Just go to a new part of a town, take a drive in the country or better yet, don't make plans, and see what happens to you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ All You Need is Love Mentors Help Divorce-Proof Marriages By Paul Strand CBN News Washington Sr. Correspondent March 6, 2008 CBNNews.com - Before they were married, Quel and Stacy Williams of Lorton, Virginia, fought hard because both were strong-willed and stubborn. They were in their 30s and were very much used to getting their own way. "So we had each lived our lives our certain way and wanted to continue doing things our way," Quel said. Even though neither Quel nor her fiance Stacy knew how to compromise very well, they were still planning to wed. But a friend told them they really needed to first go to Potomac, Maryland, and meet with Mike and Harriet McManus, marriage mentors expert at teaching skills to divorce-proof a marriage. Divorce-Proofing a Marriage For months in 2002, the McManuses mentored the couple. And Quel believes she and Stacy would have divorced for sure by now without the coping skills their mentors taught them. "Because I cannot think of how we would have learned those tools without it," Quel said. Stacy said the mentoring time taught him how to answer questions about marriage like, "what are the ways to make it last? To make it work? How do you do the 10 years, the 15 years, the 30 years?" The McManuses through their organization Marriage Savers do much more than just mentor individual couples.They've helped some 1,500 churches train 4,000 marriage mentors, who then counsel those getting ready to wed, newlyweds and couples in crisis. Mike McManus said it's tapping a hugely untapped resource. "We have in our pews in every church in America couples who have been through terrible times and they've just never been seen as a resource to the couples in current crisis," he said. Older Couples, Pastors Can Help With just a few hours training, the McManuses say older couples and pastors can be taught techniques and methods that divorce-proof marriages. "We can help churches virtually eliminate divorce in the churches that adopt these reforms," McManus stated. "For entire cities, the divorce rate can come down 50 percent or more."One of these reforms is churches insisting anyone they marry first get several weeks of premarital counseling. As Harriet McManus put it, "Before you tie the knot, let us show you the ropes." A major part of this is taking a premarital inventory that can highlight potential danger zones for the couple, like finances or communication problems. Most churches now offer these inventories. And then there's putting marriage mentors together with young couples like the Williams. 'Community Marriage Policy' Pledge The McManuses bundled these ideas together in something they call a Community Marriage Policy, in which many of the houses of worship in one town or county all take a solemn pledge. Mike McManus described what they all swear to: "They will work together across denominational lines to build kind of a compact, a covenant, that they will not do anymore quickie weddings, that they will require couples to go through serious preparation." Kansas City is just one of 220 communities where houses of worship have enacted a Community Marriage Policy. Since then, the divorce rate in Kansas City is down more than 50 percent. Tom Hurt pastors the Oregon City Evangelical Church in Clackamas County, Oregon. He says a Community Marriage Policy there has helped all the churches work off the same page: to "not have people jump from one church to the next, where , 'Okay, that pastor won't marry me quickly, so I'll go to the guy down the street and he'll marry me quickly.'" Some 10,000 pastors and priests have signed Community Marriage Policies since Mike and Harriet McManus came up with the idea back in the mid-1990s. Pastor Hurt is among the 173 who signed the one in Clackamas County. It's a county of rugged beauty, much of it tucked up against Oregon's Cascade Mountains or sprawling across the fertile Willamette Valley. But it's also a big bedroom community for Oregon's largest city, Portland. The marriage rate there was going down and the divorce rate was going up when psychologist Steve Stephens put Tom and Liz Dressel together with Mike and Harriet McManus. Divorce Makes You Less Happy, More Frustrated The Christian therapist has written a number of books to help makes marriages last -- books like "Lost in Translation: How Men and Women Can Understand Each Other" and "20 Rules and Tools For a Great Marriage." "God hates divorce. Why does He hate divorce? Because divorce breaks people," Dr. Stephens told CBN News. "Divorce doesn't work. It won't make you happy, I guarantee you -- except in very rare situations, a divorce is going to make you less happy, it's going to make you more frustrated, financially it devastates you." Dr. Stephens knew the Dressels were as desperate as he is to fight divorce in Clackamas County.The Dressels were on the verge of divorce themselves back in the 1970s. Liz went to several secular therapists in attempts to save the flailing marriage. "I went there asking for communication skills, and they kept suggesting I get divorced," she said. But Liz says she was a little too ornery to just give up. "We had three kids to raise and I thought, 'This man is not getting out of it. Some way we are going to make it through.'" Eventually, the two found the hope and skills they needed through church and para-church groups. Tom said, "We took every class, every retreat that had the word marriage in it, and each one was a building-block, a foundation-stone." Divorce Rates Drop after 'Marriage Savers' Counseling In 2001, the Dressels found Mike and Harriet McManus had packaged some of the best marriage help altogether and a community could put it all into action under a Community Marriage Policy. With the help of Dr. Stephens, their own pastor Tom Hurt, and many others, they brought the McManuses to Clackamas County, had a time of training and rounded up 173 churches to sign a Community Marriage Policy. And the results have already been stunning. "The divorce rate has dropped 17 percent," Tom Dressel said. The Dressels and Dr. Stephens point out most folks take driver's ed to learn how to drive, but get no such training to prepare them for the much more complicated world of marriage. "What I find is that a lot of young people, they just don't know how to be married. They weren't given good examples," Dr. Stephens said. And that's where marriage mentors can be so helpful for young or troubled couples. They can bring back some of that wisdom of past years when most folks lived with extended family around. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Single Dads Helping You Make the Most of Your Time with Your Kids www.dadcando.com [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQHnup6xFulvClQ_bA9554zY2hX8YBHcDhvLUt-5DkTUr_1B2KP_1cY8oFF0cf1VUetizcjwUXusN4iWOREUXEzV2Ajf-vee2egz6gRLHCBWXw==] Dadcando.com is intended to be a resource for all dads, but with a special emphasis on helping the single and or non-resident fathers who have contact with their children (non-resident fathers are those who are separated, divorced or widowed, who live apart from their partner and do not have their children to live with them). I hope that dadcando.com will be a useful at any stage of the single dad's life, but it will be of special relevance in the difficult few years following separation from your partner, when you are building a new home and finding a new routine. During this period you will be coping with a tremendous amount of change, throughout which you will also be dealing with immense feelings of hurt and loss. On top of these emotional difficulties, it is most likely that you will also be coping with significant financial adjustment as well as forging a new way of being with and caring for your children (whether you have them for a few hours per month to visit, or a few days per week to stay), which will be very different from the life you experienced when you lived in the family home together with your partner. There is no more crucial time for the importance of both parents' roles to be evident within the family unit, than in the early years post separation, where every member of the family is dealing with a wide range of potentially damaging emotions and significant changes in their day to day lives. You are not alone. Just like you and me, millions of dads and families go through difficult times exactly like this. There is a tremendous amount of help and advice available from various organisations, online and the thousands of books that have been written about what you are experiencing and I hope that dadcando.com will also be useful for you. Never forget how important you are to your children. At this time, they need you more than you can ever imagine. As a dad, you have a lot on your plate right now, and I know that there is probably so much going on in your life that it's hard to think straight. That's why I have condensed the most important information you really need at your fingertips, and put it all on to one site, so that you can make the most of the special time you spend with your kids. After all, the last thing you have time to do, is wade through piles of books and endless websites trying to make sense of your situation and how to build a new life with your children. dadcando.com is a labour of love for me and I hope you will be able to contribute to the site and make it even better. Have fun with your kids, you are their hero; show them that change is all part of life and even when things get tough, a dad can find fun in nearly anything. Chris Barnardo Single Dad Father of four beautiful children _______________________________________________________________ We want to hear from you. The things you do and your top tips, won by hard work and experience, are very useful for other dad's like you. So please tell us how you've done and what things you've discovered that make life easier and better for you and your children, so other dads can follow your example. Click here to send us your tip or tell us about the things you do [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQE2eK-dY999kP9GBoQKeodXUKCoAcGBgJD5pgdR0RLyYbxfvKCgz_0r_WhRig_sTeYeWQnCwxuWo59HuVX9wQfnrSoyuNrlbraFTtDNJYQsY2LdkkkFWkI2CY0rzVq-_fNKvZLlnXZJz2TmLm7RmXf8yOOWRD5-ss9B2LuKMXkfq1_3hTWzGa7cdlPgYJG4lrk=]. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Special Feature The Plight of the Father An extract from 'Iron John' by Robert Bly The German psychologist Alexander Mitscherlich writes about this father-son crisis in his book called 'Society without the Father'. The gist of his idea is that if the son does not actually see what his father does during the day and through all the seasons of the year, a hole will appear in the son's psyche and the hole will fill with demons who tell him that his father's work is evil and that the father is evil. . . . . . The movie called 'Marathon Man' concentrates on the young American male's suspicion of older men. The main character, played by Dustin Hoffman, loses his father, a leftist driven to suicide in the McCarthy era. The plot puts the young man in dangerous contact with a former concentration camp doctor, whom Hoffman must confront and defeat before he can have any peace with his own dead father. . . There's a general assumption now that every man in a position of power is or will soon be corrupt and oppressive. Yet the Greeks understood and praised a positive male energy that has accepted authority. They called it Zeus energy, which encompasses intelligence, robust health, compassionate decisiveness, good will, generous leadership. Zeus energy is male authority accepted for the sake of the community. The North American Indians believe in that healthful male power. Among the Senecas, the chief - a man, but chosen by the women - accepts power for the sake of the community. He himself owns virtually nothing. All the great cultures except ours preserve and have lived with images of this positive male energy. Zeus energy has been steadily disintegrating decade after decade in the Unites States. Popular culture has been determined to destroy respect for it, beginning with the 'Maggie and Jiggs' and 'Blondie and Dagwood' comics of the 1920s and 1930s, in which the man is always weak and foolish. From there the image of the weak adult man went into animated cartoons. The father in contemporary TV ads never knows what cold medicine to take. And in situation comedies, 'The Cosby Show' notwithstanding, men are devious, bumbling, or easy to outwit. It is the women who outwit them, and teach them a lesson, or hold the whole town together all by themselves. This is not exactly 'what people want.' Many young Hollywood writers, rather than confront their fathers in Kansas, take revenge on the remote father by making all adult men look like fools. They attack the respect for masculine integrity that every father, underneath, wants to pass on to his grandchildren and great-grandchildren. By contrast, in traditional cultures, the older men and the older women often are the first to speak in public gatherings, younger men may say nothing but still aim to maintain contact with the older men. Now we have twenty-seven-year-olds engaged in hostile takeovers who will buy out a publishing house and dismantle in six months what an older man has created over a period of thirty years. I offered my help in undermining Zeus energy during my twenties and thirties. I attacked every older man in the literary community who was within arrow range, and enjoyed seeing the arrow pass through his body, arrows impelled by the tense energy bottled in my psyche. I saw many parts of my father's daytime life, his work habits, and his generous attitude toward working men, but he was inaccessible in some other way, and the hole in me filled with demons, as Mitscherlich predicted. Older men whom I hardly knew received the anger. When a son acts on that fear of demonism it makes him flat, stale, isolated, and dry. He doesn't know how to recover his wet and muddy portion. A few years ago, I began to feel my diminishment, not so much of my 'feminine' side as on my masculine side. I found myself missing contact with men - or should I say my father? I began to think of him not as someone who had deprived me of love or attention or companionship, but as someone who himself had been deprived, by his father and his mother and by the culture. This rethinking is still going on. Every time I see my father I have new and complicated feelings about how much of the deprivation I felt with him came willingly and how much came against his will - how much he was aware of and unaware of. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ News & Info COMPASS: The Third Age (Australian Men: Pt 3) Sunday 9th March at 22:15 ABC1 ABCTV Following the success of our three-part dinner series with women, Geraldine now turns her attention to Aussie men to find out what matters to them and what doesn't in the 21st century. What's important to men who have embarked on the next stage of life's journey.. _____________________________________________________________________________ Is society under such seige that the joy of our children is hidden from view to protect them? Is the Net such a Threat-read more [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQHmfLdAM8NhFkvb1yxLs9K9TQPdHdXD4bXIGPslYU1vBuEkwVueGl7AeBYjpIVyW3B0jE-2Obfs4_1FxHWSw2PhXQ7Hmq2X7sN_FBla8Upblol7orRzdA_L30kfTbNPiM3eXyX7QldAp7llXOGeKdRWH3m9b2czm0g=] _____________________________________________________________________________ Make a note to ask for a new vacuum cleaner for Fathers Day. Research is indicating its better for your sex life than a tool box. Check out the story below: Dads Chores put Wife in the MOOD [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQFLztZcP5x66MH6kQ-_dw1DBDp4TKkPJ0LlI944tiVINrXIDT127nvfQ75Bq44335siya02a1zYKO45eHPCTFialIFqHvrwTKhW1AHtFIhHS0QiQcVH_PsTykFJc-plcdVpm_ASA6j5OVrXkyqKMEtb2kExaiKX90J9oG-o2G74Kspoal_gCGlb] _____________________________________________________________________________ Dads on the Air with the Fatherhood Foundation Team Warwick Marsh and Paul Saurine from Dads in Distress Bankstown in Sydney www.fatherhood.org.au [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQFhgPtzO8sKJj4KLJy91dkwECye-_B9Qd1CfXuUZ2UJT0G_PWVipDns-d83HSoz0IYpRgvTh9utSOIDYBDZliRXWPO8ZlKSV5w5FKCOiDOnyQ==] Rick Johnson author and Founder of Better Dads USA www.betterdads.net [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQF4aHDtWiirHy2nIMxOVCcfy1G-U3qlWC1x9zk_NR-DamnQR0WIHnkhCKNIgT2w82Fl9wi3Z5hAvM2_yVt45rRglPB6yNHLySC4bS1i0AAd_Q==] Roland Foster Single Dad who is teaching his daughter to surf. Rob Jones Founder of Men Transforming Men www.mtmaustralia.org.au [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQFs1igiLIMX4bvlKFl0W-Cj3ZS8bD7xTvDrHwbOjHdRwXhriK1c1ru7BlfEt-MViJDsJmTz-zE8BWW11nhmHrAqwcDWiq86WPIYotq7eWtJHlY-iW1m43pR] DADS ON THE AIR www.dadsontheair.net [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQG1o23Pft4P9fbmRMGWap7wzOcGWnod6pg8yb24katYFUOl78X-K8Ozj0lFJrCsLhSbXE0oGi-JN7QLN_NHXrTI0vKhhWT5LS26uw3WYIwGGA==] Local Sydney Time: 10.30am to 12 midday Tuesday 11th March 2008 USA Eastern time: 6.30pm to 8pm Monday 10th March 2008 USA Pacific time: 3.30pm to 5pm Monday 10th March 2008 UK GMT time: 11.30pm to 1am Monday night (Tuesday morning) 10th March 2008 2GLF FM 89.3 in Sydney and ONLINE via live streaming at http://www.893fm.com.au [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQGH9t6HBnG0BJa7vhcJ-vgKTX5btrOwOBypX7gouka2a-BMi6mTK-arfRL29wbh3UeEKlfSDTwYNpByJ9UDNmZptQ4e1URAmNBgOeI07oOMqw==] or in MP3 format at http://www.dadsontheair.net [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQG1o23Pft4P9fbmRMGWap7wzOcGWnod6pg8yb24katYFUOl78X-K8Ozj0lFJrCsLhSbXE0oGi-JN7QLN_NHXrTI0vKhhWT5LS26uw3WYIwGGA==] _____________________________________________________________________ Men's Group - The Movie is an award winning Australian feature film coming out in March 2008. For a preview TAKE THIS LINK [http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001GsZH2Vx6AQGSD1iCvR0c4PkKwda1VMp8UArOhlPL2-reIn5fypmjpKVkQ7UHqxCQe4UbuDiNNMioBGNWO4pfOMx4MP5fDywc4CtjaUb3mTUcgzvHM1w_cK_6L-pezIoAeu0GrOCVRak=] and be aware that the clips contain coarse language. ____________________________________________________________________________ Letters Dear Fatherhood Foundation, Thank you for another excellent newsletter. Yes children need the dual balance, as all other facets of of life have both, light/dark, positive/negative. male/female. We do not need to become like the the red back, once the female gets his semen, she eats him so that they never have any conflict. Conflict builds stronger people and stronger children. I have used all the mothers negatives to show my girls the other side and they will face similar situations. I tell them they will have to make choices also and I pray they will make correct ones. My eldest said."Dad if mum was not so abusive when you parted we probably would be with her, not saying I want that, but that is how it is done." The younger one commented, "Dad you are so different to all your family, you are a true individual, different from all my friends parents, You see things from both sides even when you disagree." I replied, "Yes life just is; regardless of choice and I have brought both you girls up to be your self, not like sister or a copy of me, be proud who you are, even if all the world disagrees. Yes one blessed man walked 2000 yr ago and He was rejected, but he still loved all. Maybe not loved all actions, try and remember, just that thought everyday." Michael Perkins Charters Towers NQ Cheers with blessing ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dad's Prayer Dear God Help us choose our friends and those we look up to wisely. Not out of our wound, but out of our hope. Not our of our rebellion, but out of our faith. Faith that grows from love. Love that grows from knowing you as our father - The Great father, the Perfect father, the Father of Lights, in whom there is no shadow of turning. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Help Us! The Fatherhood Foundation is a Harm Prevention Charity. Fatherlessness and inadequate fathering has been proven to be a source of harm. The Fatherhood Foundation helps children by promoting excellence in fathering. Excellent fathers are in word and deed: responsible, involved, protective, loving and committed to the well-being of their children and their children's mother. If you would like to give financially to the Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund and receive tax deductibility: Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund (Name, address and amount details must be emailed for a receipt for tax deductibility) Westpac Branch Wollongong BSB: 032 695 A/C: 25-5558 Or mail cheque and address details to: PO Box 440 WOLLONGONG NSW 2520 AUSTRALIA The Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund is a public fund listed on the Register of Harm Prevention Charities under Subdivision 30_EA of the Income Tax Assessment Act 1997. You have received the fathersonline.org newsletter because you have subscribed, or you have been subscribed by a friend. If you do not wish to receive future emails, please click the UNSUBSCRIBE button below. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Forward email http://ui.constantcontact.com/sa/fwtf.jsp?m=1101938345415&ea=blane@uow.edu.au&a=1102006823362 This email was sent to blane@uow.edu.au, by info@fathersonline.org Update Profile/Email Address http://visitor.constantcontact.com/d.jsp?v=001jm8CFGIzLJHYg-gJRLc-3d90mBLDU8ykq3nBpJQc9pwAXRTB7Il6PkvVXW5o52C02RRYcvNg1wc95DgD8GiaXQ%3D%3D&p=oo Instant removal with SafeUnsubscribe(TM) http://visitor.constantcontact.com/d.jsp?v=001jm8CFGIzLJHYg-gJRLc-3d90mBLDU8ykq3nBpJQc9pwAXRTB7Il6PkvVXW5o52C02RRYcvNg1wc95DgD8GiaXQ%3D%3D&p=un Privacy Policy: http://ui.constantcontact.com/roving/CCPrivacyPolicy.jsp Email Marketing by Constant Contact(R) www.constantcontact.com Fatherhood Foundation | P.O. Box 542 | Unanderra | NSW | 2526 | Australia ------=_Part_360761_1213779557.1205010384581 Content-Type: text/html; charset=iso-8859-1 Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
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10th  March 2008 =           In= spiring Fathers   Encouraging Families= Issue 290
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Heroes & Villains
 
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Dear Brian,

Welc= ome to the Fatherhood Foundation newsletter and email information service f= or the fathers and families as we look at Heroes & Villains.

=09=09 =09=09 =09=09 =09=09=09 =09=09 =09=09 =09=09=09 =09=09=09 =09=09 =09=09=09 =09=09 =09=09=09 =09=09 =09=09=09 =09=09 =09=09=09 =09=09=09 =09=09 =09=09=09 =09=09
In This Issue
Frontline...Becoming your children's hero =09=09
Laughter..What an idiot
Grandfathers...Date night re-invented
All You Need is Love..Divorce proofing
Single Dads...Time with the kids
Special Feature...The plight of the Father =09=09
News & Info...Compass & Chores
Dad's Prayer..Help me to choose my friends =09=09
Next Week Brian, 
Easter = Family Holidays 
 =09=09=09=09 =09=09
 
Join our Mailing List!
 
=09=09
Quick Links<= /strong>
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T= hought of the Week
     3D"5

Show me th= e

    &nb= sp;            =       five people

you look u= p to and you

call your friends

and I will= show you the sort of person

you will b= e in five years time.

 

Rohan Dredge<= /p>

=
Frontline
  =20

 

"Show me the five people you loo= k up to and you call your friends and I will show you the sort of person yo= u will be in 5 years time." This was the bold statement made by Rohan = Dredge at a men's breakfast that I attended last week. Rohan knows that we = all need heroes.

 

Rohan Dredge is a life coach and exe= cutive trainer,3D"Rohan wh= o has a passion to develop the male of the species. He has a profound under= standing of the spiritual implications of manhood and he makes a living hel= ping people get to the next level in life. The problem is most people don't= know where they are going  a= nd their choice of mentors and friendships shows that very clearly.

 

In Special Feature this week, 'The P= light of the Father', we have an excerpt from Robert Bly's book, Iron John.= Bly talks about the disconnection that has occurred since the industrial r= evolution between fathers and their children. For centuries fathers taught = their sons the basics of horticulture or a trade in close proximity, 'murde= rous close proximity' is the phrase that Bly uses. Robert Bly is very much = aware of the crisis of fatherlessness besetting our modern culture. Bly say= s:

 

"As I've participated in men's g= atherings since the early 1980s, I've heard one statement over and over fro= m American males, which has been phrased in a hundred different ways: 'Ther= e is not enough father.' The sentence implies that father is a substance li= ke salt, which in earlier times was occasionally in short supply, or like g= roundwater, which in some areas no has simply disappeared."

 

Robert Bly points out that the fathe= rless vacuum that has been created in our society has been filled with a de= rogation of masculinity and father figures instead. He even confesses his o= wn mistakes in his own poetic way.

 

"I offered my help in underminin= g Zeus(masculine) energy during my twenties and thirties. I attacked every = older man in the literary community who was within arrow range, and enjoyed= seeing the arrow pass through his body, arrows impelled by the tense energ= y bottled in my psyche."

 

It could be argued that we live in t= he era of the anti-hero, where the villain is worshipped more than the hero= . Today we have anti-hero skateboards, anti-hero comics, anti-hero music an= d we even have a band in Canada named 'Anti-Hero'. Perhaps the symptoms of = our fatherless society are displayed on the walls of our children's bedroom= s: Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Heath Ledger, Pete Doherty,= Ben Cousins, Wayne Carey. For the older children in our society it might h= ave been Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix and the dinosaur of rock and roll himse= lf, Mick Jagger, who still sings today, "I can't get no satisfaction'. When= I was growing up I admired the artistry of Janis and Jimi and their untime= ly deaths were deeply mourned.

 

Although I didn't put Janis and Jimi= on my wall, I did have the picture of Larry Norman. I looked up to him as = a leader in the Jesus movement. Billboard Magazine called him the most impo= rtant songwriter since Paul Simon. Others said he was the 'Father of Christ= ian Rock. Time Magazine claimed he was 'the most significant artist in his = field'. For me, he was a revolutionary character who dared to buck the syst= em. Many in the establishment of his day hated him. His phone was allegedly= tapped by the CIA. Some even say the 'Jesus Movement' of the 60s and 70s s= tarted in his kitchen.

 

Sadly Larry Norman died last wee= k. Often it is not just how a man lives but how he dies that speaks about h= is character and tells us whether he was a hero or not. Larry Norman's last= words tell us a lot about him:

 

"I feel like a prize in a box of= cracker jacks with God's hand reaching down to pick me up. I have been und= er medical care for months. My wounds are getting bigger. I have trouble br= eathing. I am ready to fly home. My brother Charles is right, I won't be he= re much longer . .  My plan i= s to be buried in a simple pine box with some flowers inside . . . I want t= o say I love you. I'd like to push back the darkness with my bravest effort= . . . Goodbye, farewell, we will meet again. I pray that you will stay wit= h God. Goodbye, my friends goodbye."

 

 

I grew up with a great dad. When I c= ould see him! My parent's fighting kept me away from him for years on end. = Thankfully it was not permanent.

 

But I did have a small circle of fri= ends. Some were on my wall and some lived down the street and sure enough, = I become like them over the course of time.

 

Maybe Rohan Dredge's comment is righ= t and not3D"Happy so bold after all.

 

= Lovework

 

Love your children's mother. Don't f= ight her. Just love her. Love your children. Spend time with them. The only= way that you will get on your children's wall is if you have your children in your heart now.

 

Yours for our children

Warwick Marsh

 

PS From next Tuesday, 11th March, , check out Dads on the Air Dads on the Air radio program= me. The Fatherhood Foundation did the whole programme. Paul Saurine from da= ds in distress helped us and we also talked to Rick Johnson from www.betterdads.net  Full details in News & Info.

 

__________________________= ____________________________________________________

 

Warwick Marsh  = ;has been married to Alison for 32 years. He is the grandfather o= f two children and father of five children, four boys and one girl, ranging= in age from 27 years to 15 years.  Warwick is a musician, songwr= iter, producer and public speaker who likes to think he can still laugh at = himself.

=09=09<= /tr>
Laughter<= /font>
=   6 Truths of Life3D"Tongue"
<= br />1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your t= ongue.=20

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.
=
3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because= you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot= .

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Sorry= about this,....I'm an idiot and I needed company,...:-)

 

Grandfathers
 =20

 

Reinventing Date = Night for Long-Married Couples

The Ne= w York Times

Februa= ry 12, 2008

By TAR= A PARKER-POPE

 

Long-m= arried couples often schedule a weekly 'date night', a regular evening out = with friends or at a favorite restaurant to strengthen their marital bond.<= /span>

 

But br= ain and behavior researchers say many couples are going about date night al= l wrong. Simply spending quality time together is probably not enough to pr= event a relationship from getting stale.3D"Old=

 

Using = laboratory studies, real-world experiments and even brain-scan data, scient= ists can now offer long-married couples a simple prescription for rekindlin= g the romantic love that brought them together in the first place.

 

The so= lution? Reinventing date night.

 

Rather= than visiting the same familiar haunts and dining with the same old friend= s, couples need to tailor their date nights around new and different activi= ties that they both enjoy, says Arthur Aron, a professor of social psycholo= gy at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. The goal is to find = ways to keep injecting novelty into the relationship. The activity can be a= s simple as trying a new restaurant or something a little more unusual or t= hrilling, like taking an art class or going to an amusement park.

 

The th= eory is based on brain science. New experiences activate the brain's reward= system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine. These are the same b= rain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love, a time of exhilarati= on and obsessive thoughts about a new partner. (They are also the brain che= micals involved in drug addiction and obsessive-compulsive disorder.)

 

Most s= tudies of love and marriage show that the decline of romantic love over tim= e is inevitable. The butterflies of early romance quickly flutter away and = are replaced by familiar, predictable feelings of long-term attachment.

 

But se= veral experiments show that novelty, simply doing new things together as a = couple, may help bring the butterflies back, recreating the chemical surges= of early courtship.

 

 'We don't really know what's going= on in the brain, but as you trigger and amp up this reward system in the b= rain that is associated with romantic love, it's reasonable to suggest that= it's enabling you to feel more romantic love," said the anthropologist Hel= en E. Fisher, of Rutgers, who has published several studies on the neural b= asis of romantic love. "You're altering your brain chemistry."

 

Over t= he past several years, Dr. Aron and his colleagues have tested the novelty = theory in a series of experiments with long-married couples.

 

In one= of the earliest studies, the researchers recruited 53 middle-aged couples.= Using standard questionnaires, the researchers measured the couples' relat= ionship quality and then randomly assigned them to one of three groups.

 

One gr= oup was instructed to spend 90 minutes a week doing pleasant and familiar a= ctivities, like dining out or going to a movie. Couples in another group we= re instructed to spend 90 minutes a week on 'exciting' activities that appe= aled to both husband and wife. Those couples did things they didn't typical= ly do, attending concerts or plays, skiing, hiking and dancing. The third g= roup was not assigned any particular activity.

 

After = 10 weeks, the couples again took tests to gauge the quality of their relati= onships. Those who had undertaken the 'exciting' date nights showed a signi= ficantly greater increase in marital satisfaction than the 'pleasant' date = night group.

 

While = the results were compelling, they weren't conclusive. The experiment didn't= occur in a controlled setting, and numerous variables could have affected = the final results.

 

More r= ecently, Dr. Aron and colleagues have created laboratory experiments to tes= t the effects of novelty on marriage. In one set of experiments, some coupl= es are assigned a mundane task that involves simply walking back and forth = across a room. Other couples, however, take part in a more challenging exer= cise, their wrists and ankles are bound together as they crawl back and for= th pushing a ball.

 

Before= and after the exercise, the couples were asked things like, "How bored are= you with your current relationship?" The couples who took part in the more= challenging and novel activity showed bigger increases in love and satisfa= ction scores, while couples performing the mundane task showed no meaningfu= l changes.

 

Dr. Ar= on cautions that novelty alone is probably not enough to save a marriage in= crisis. But for couples who have a reasonably good but slightly dull relat= ionship, novelty may help reignite old sparks.

 

And re= cent brain-scan studies show that romantic love really can last years into = a marriage. Last week, at the Society for Personality and Social Psychology= conference in Albuquerque, researchers presented brain-scan data on severa= l men and women who had been married for 10 or more years. Interviews and q= uestionnaires suggested they were still intensely in love with their partne= rs. Brain scans confirmed it, showing increased brain activity associated w= ith romantic love when the subjects saw pictures of their spouses.

 

It's n= ot clear why some couples are able to maintain romantic intensity even afte= r years together. But the scientists believe regular injections of novelty = and excitement most likely play a role.

 

"You d= on't have to swing from the chandeliers," Dr. Fisher said. "Just go to a ne= w part of a town, take a drive in the country or better yet, don't make pla= ns, and see what happens to you."

 

All You Need is Love

Mentors Help Divorce-Proof Marriage= s

By Paul Strand

CBN News Washington Sr. Correspondent3D"Divorce

March 6, 2008

CBNNews.com - Before they were married, Quel and Stacy= Williams of Lorton, Virginia, fought hard because both were strong-willed = and stubborn.

They were in their 30s and were very much used to gett= ing their own way. "So we had each lived our lives our certain way and want= ed to continue doing things our way," Quel said.

Even though neither Quel nor her fiance Stacy knew how= to compromise very well, they were still planning to wed. But a friend told them they really needed to first go to Potomac, Maryl= and, and meet with Mike and Harriet McManus, marriage mentors expert at tea= ching skills to divorce-proof a marriage.

Divorce-Proofing a Marriage

For months in 2002, the McManuses mentored the couple.=

And Quel believes she and Stacy would have divorced fo= r sure by now without the coping skills their mentors taught them.

"Because I cannot think of how we would have learned t= hose tools without it," Quel said.

Stacy said the mentoring time taught him how to answer= questions about marriage like, "what are the ways to make it last? To make= it work? How do you do the 10 years, the 15 years, the 30 years?"

The McManuses through their organization Marriage Save= rs do much more than just mentor individual couples.The= y've helped some 1,500 churches train 4,000 marriage mentors, who then coun= sel those getting ready to wed, newlyweds and couples in crisis.

Mike McManus said it's tapping a hugely untapped resou= rce.

"We have in our pews in every church in America couple= s who have been through terrible times and they've just never been seen as = a resource to the couples in current crisis," he said.

Older Couples, Pastors Can Help

With just a few hours training, the McManuses say olde= r couples and pastors can be taught techniques and methods that divorce-pro= of marriages.

"We can help churches virtually eliminate divorce in t= he churches that adopt these reforms," McManus stated. "For entire cities, = the divorce rate can come down 50 percent or more."One = of these reforms is churches insisting anyone they marry first get several = weeks of premarital counseling. As Harriet McManus put it, "Before you tie = the knot, let us show you the ropes."

A major part of this is taking a premarital inventory = that can highlight potential danger zones for the couple, like finances or = communication problems. Most churches now offer these inventories.

And then there's putting marriage mentors together wit= h young couples like the Williams.

'Community Marriage Policy' Pledge

The McManuses bundled these ideas together in somethin= g they call a Community Marriage Policy, in which many of the houses of wor= ship in one town or county all take a solemn pledge.

Mike McManus described what they all swear to: "They w= ill work together across denominational lines to build kind of a compact, a= covenant, that they will not do anymore quickie weddings, that they will r= equire couples to go through serious preparation."

Kansas City is just one of 220 communities where house= s of worship have enacted a Community Marriage Policy. = = Since then, the divorce rate in Kansas City is down more than 50 percent.

Tom Hurt pastors the Oregon City Evangelical Church in= Clackamas County, Oregon. He says a Community Marriage Policy there has he= lped all the churches work off the same page: to "not have people jump from= one church to the next, where , 'Okay, that pastor won't marry me quickly,= so I'll go to the guy down the street and he'll marry me quickly.'"=

Some 10,000 pastors and priests have signed Community = Marriage Policies since Mike and Harriet McManus came up with the idea back= in the mid-1990s.

Pastor Hurt is among the 173 who signed the one in Cla= ckamas County. It's a county of rugged beauty, much of it tucked up against= Oregon's Cascade Mountains or sprawling across the fertile Willamette Vall= ey. But it's also a big bedroom community for Oregon's largest city, Portla= nd. The marriage rate there was going down and the divorce rate was going u= p when psychologist Steve Stephens put Tom and Liz Dressel together with Mi= ke and Harriet McManus.

Divorce Makes You Less Happy, More Frustrated<= /strong>

The Christian therapist has written a number of books to help ma= kes marriages last -- books like "Lost in Translation: How Men and Women Ca= n Understand Each Other" and "20 Rules and Tools For a Great Marriage."

"God hates divorce. Why does He hate divorce? Because = divorce breaks people," Dr. Stephens told CBN News. "Divorce doesn't work. = It won't make you happy, I guarantee you -- except in very rare situations,= a divorce is going to make you less happy, it's going to make you more fru= strated, financially it devastates you."

Dr. Stephens knew the Dressels were as desperate as he= is to fight divorce in Clackamas County.The Dressels w= ere on the verge of divorce themselves back in the 1970s. Liz went to sever= al secular therapists in attempts to save the flailing marriage.

"I went there asking for communication skills, and the= y kept suggesting I get divorced," she said.

But Liz says she was a little too ornery to just give = up.

"We had three kids to raise and I thought, 'This man i= s not getting out of it. Some way we are going to make it through.'"=

Eventually, the two found the hope and skills they nee= ded through church and para-church groups.

Tom said, "We took every class, every retreat that had= the word marriage in it, and each one was a building-block, a foundation-s= tone."

Divorce Rates Drop after 'Marriage Savers' Cou= nseling

In 2001, the Dressels found Mike and Harriet McManus h= ad packaged some of the best marriage help altogether and a community could= put it all into action under a Community Marriage Policy. With the help of= Dr. Stephens, their own pastor Tom Hurt, and many others, they brought the= McManuses to Clackamas County, had a time of training and rounded up 173 c= hurches to sign a Community Marriage Policy. And the results have already b= een stunning.

"The divorce rate has dropped 17 percent," Tom Dressel= said.

The Dressels and Dr. Stephens point out most folks tak= e driver's ed to learn how to drive, but get no such training to prepare th= em for the much more complicated world of marriage.

"What I find is that a lot of young people, they just = don't know how to be married. They weren't given good examples," Dr. Stephe= ns said.

And that's where marriage mentors can be so helpful fo= r young or troubled couples. They can bring back some of that wisdom of pas= t years when most folks lived with extended family around.

=09=09 =09=09
Single Dads

 

 = ;

Helping You Make the Most of Your Time with Your Kids

www.= dadcando.com

 

Dadcando.com is intended to be a resource 3D"Chrisfor all dads, but with a special emphasis on helping = the single and or non-resident fathers who have contact with their children= (non-resident fathers are those who are separated, divorced or widowed, wh= o live apart from their partner and do not have their children to live with= them).

I hope that dadcando.com will be a useful at any = stage of the single dad's life, but it will be of special relevance in the = difficult few years following separation from your partner, when you are bu= ilding a new home and finding a new routine. During this period you will be= coping with a tremendous amount of change, throughout which you will also = be dealing with immense feelings of hurt and loss. On top of these emotiona= l difficulties, it is most likely that you will also be coping with signifi= cant financial adjustment as well as forging a new way of being with and ca= ring for your children (whether you have them for a few hours per month to = visit, or a few days per week to stay), which will be very different from t= he life you experienced when you lived in the family home together with you= r partner.

There is no more crucial time for the importance of both parents' = roles to be evident within the family unit, than in the early years post se= paration, where every member of the family is dealing with a wide range of = potentially damaging emotions and significant changes in their day to day l= ives.

You are = not alone. Just like you and me, millions of dads and 3D"Dadfamilies go through difficult times exactly lik= e this. There is a tremendous amount of help and advice available from vari= ous organisations, online and the thousands of books that have been written= about what you are experiencing and I hope that dadcando.com will also be = useful for you. Never = forget how important you are to your children. At this time, they need you more than you can ever = imagine. As a dad, you have a lot on your plate right now, and I know that = there is probably so much going on in your life that it's hard to think str= aight. That's why I have condensed the most important information you reall= y need at your fingertips, and put it all on to one site, so that you can m= ake the most of the special time you spend with your kids. After all, the l= ast thing you have time to do, is wade through piles of books and endless w= ebsites trying to make sense of your situation and how to build a new life = with your children.

dadcando.com is a labour of love for me and I hope you will be able to = contribute to the site and make it even better. Have fun with your kids, yo= u are their hero; show them that change is all part of life and even when t= hings get tough, a dad can find fun in nearly anything.

 

Chris= Barnardo

Singl= e Dad

Fathe= r of four beautiful children

_____= __________________________________________________________

 

We wa= nt to hear from you. The things you do and your top tips, won by hard work = and experience, are very useful for other dad's like you. So please tell us= how you've done and what things you've discovered that make life easier an= d better for you and your children, so other dads can follow your example. Click here to send us your tip or tell us about the things= you do.

 

Special Feature
 
 =20

= The Plight of the Father

An extract from 'Iron John' by Robert= Bly

 

The German psychologist Alexander Mit= scherlich writes about this father-son crisis in his book called 'Society w= ithout the Father'. The gist of his idea is that if the son does not actual= ly see what his father does during the day and through all the seasons of t= he year, a hole will appear in the son's psyche and the hole will fill with= demons who tell him that his father's work is evil and that the father is = evil. . . 3D"Marathon

 

. . . The movie called 'Marathon Man'= concentrates on the young American male's suspicion of older men. The main= character, played by Dustin Hoffman, loses his father, a leftist driven to= suicide in the McCarthy era. The plot puts the young man in dangerous cont= act with a former concentration camp doctor, whom Hoffman must confront and= defeat before he can have any peace with his own dead father. . . <= /p>

 

There's a general assumption now that= every man in a position of power is or will soon be corrupt and oppressive= . Yet the Greeks understood and praised a positive male energy that has acc= epted authority. They called it Zeus energy, which encompasses intelligence= , robust health, compassionate decisiveness, good will, generous leadership= . Zeus energy is male authority accepted for the sake of the community.

 

The North American Indians believe in= that healthful male power. Among the Senecas, the chief - a man, but chose= n by the women - accepts power for the sake of the community. He himself ow= ns virtually nothing. All the great cultures except ours preserve and have = lived with images of this positive male energy.

 

Zeus energy has been steadily disinte= grating decade after decade in the Unites States. Popular culture has been = determined to destroy respect for it, beginning with the 'Maggie and Jiggs'= and 'Blondie and Dagwood' comics of the 1920s and 1930s, in which the man = is always weak and foolish. From there the image of the weak adult man went= into animated cartoons.

 

The father in contemporary TV ads nev= er knows what cold medicine to take. And in situation comedies, 'The Cosby = Show' notwithstanding, men are devious, bumbling, or easy to outwit. It is = the women who outwit them, and teach them a lesson, or hold the whole town = together all by themselves. This is not exactly 'what people want.' Many yo= ung Hollywood writers, rather than confront their fathers in Kansas, take r= evenge on the remote father by making all adult men look like fools.=

 

They attack the respect for masculine= integrity that every father, underneath, wants to pass on to his grandchil= dren and great-grandchildren. By contrast, in traditional cultures, the old= er men and the older women often are the first to speak in public gathering= s, younger men may say nothing but still aim to maintain contact with the o= lder men. Now we have twenty-seven-year-olds engaged in hostile takeovers w= ho will buy out a publishing house and dismantle in six months what an olde= r man has created over a period of thirty years.

 

I offered my help in undermining Zeus= energy during my twenties and thirties. I attacked every older man in the = literary community who was within arrow range, and enjoyed seeing the arrow= pass through his body, arrows impelled by the tense energy bottled in my p= syche. I saw many parts of my father's daytime life, his work habits, and h= is generous attitude toward working men, but he was inaccessible in some ot= her way, and the hole in me filled with demons, as Mitscherlich predicted. = Older men whom I hardly knew received the anger.

 

When a son acts on that fear of demon= ism it makes him flat, stale, isolated, and dry. He doesn't know how to rec= over his wet and muddy portion. A few years ago, I began to feel my diminis= hment, not so much of my 'feminine' side as on my masculine side. I found m= yself missing contact with men - or should I say my father?

 

I began to think of him not as someon= e who had deprived me of love or attention or companionship, but as someone= who himself had been deprived, by his father and his mother and by the cul= ture. This rethinking is still going on.

 

Every time I see my father I have new= and complicated feelings about how much of the deprivation I felt with him= came willingly and how much came against his will - how much he was aware = of and unaware of.

 
 
News & Info

COMPASS: The Third Age (Australian Men: Pt 3)
Sunday 9th=  March at 22:15 ABC1


ABC TV<= /strong>

Following the success of our three-part dinner series with women, Gerald= ine now turns her attention to Aussie men to find out what matters to them = and what doesn't in the 21st century.
What's important to men wh= o have embarked on the next stage of life's journey..

 _____________________________________________________= ________________________
 
Is society under such seige that th= e joy of our children is hidden from view to protect them?
 
 
______________________________________________________________________= _______3D"Man
 
Make a note to ask for a new vacuum cleaner for Fathers Day. R= esearch is indicating its better for your sex life than a tool box. Check o= ut the story below:
Dads Chores put Wife in the MOOD
 
______________________________________________________________________= _______
 

Dads on the Air with the Fatherhood Foundation Team Warwick Marsh and Paul= Saurine from Dads in Distress Bankstown in Sydney

www.fatherhood.org.au  

Rick Johnso= n author and Founder of Better Dads USA www.betterdads.net  

Roland = Foster Single Dad who is teaching his daughter to surf.

Rob Jones Fou= nder of Men Transforming Men www.mtma= ustralia.org.au

 

DADS ON THE AIR<= /span>

www.dadsontheair.net

Local Sydney Time: 10.3= 0am to 12 midday Tuesday 11th March 2008=

USA Eastern time: 6.30p= m to 8pm Monday 10th March 2008

USA Pacific time: 3.30p= m to 5pm Monday 10th March 2008

UK GMT time: 11.30pm to= 1am Monday night (Tuesday morning) 10th= March 2008

2GLF FM 89.3 in Sydney = and ONLINE via live streaming at

or in MP3 format = at http://www.dadsonthe= air.net  

_____________________________________________________________________<= /div>
 
 
 
Men's Group - The Movie is an= award winning Australian feature film coming out in March 2008.
For a preview TAKE THIS LINK and be aware = that the clips contain coarse language.
 
______________________________________________________________________= ______
 
 
Letters
 
 
Dear Fatherhood Foundation,
Thank you for another excellent newsletter. Yes c= hildren need the dual balance, as all other facets of of life have both, li= ght/dark, positive/negative. male/female. We do not need to become like the= the red back, once the fe= male  gets<= /span> him so that = they never h= ave any  conflict. Conflict builds stronger people and s= tronger children. I have used all the mothers negatives to show my girls th= e other side and they will face similar situations. I tell them they will h= ave to make choices also and I pray they will make correct ones.

My eldest said."Dad if mum was not so abusive when you parted we probably= would be with her, not saying I want that, but that is how it is done."&nb= sp; The younger one commented, "Dad you are so different to all your family= , you are a true individual, different from all my friends parents, You see= things from both sides even when you disagree." I replied, "Yes life just = is; regardless of choice and I have brought both you girls up to be your se= lf, not like sister or a copy of me, be proud who you are, even if all the = world disagrees. Yes one blessed man walked 2000 yr ago and He was rejected= , but he still loved all. Maybe not loved all actions, try and remember, ju= st that thought everyday."

Michael Perkins

Charters To= wers NQ Cheers with blessing

D= ad's Prayer
  &= nbsp;             3D"Spouse

<= font size=3D"5">Dear God

 

<= font size=3D"5">Help us choose our friends

<= font size=3D"5">and those we look up to wisely.

<= font size=3D"5">Not out of our wound,=

<= font size=3D"5">but out of our hope.<= /font>

<= font size=3D"5">Not our of our rebellion,

<= font size=3D"5">but out of our faith.=

<= font size=3D"5">Faith that grows from love.<= /font>

<= font size=3D"5">Love that grows from knowing you as= our father -

<= font size=3D"5">The Great father,

<= font size=3D"5">the Perfect father,

<= font size=3D"5">the Father of Lights,

<= font size=3D"5">in whom there is no shadow of turni= ng.

=09 =09
=09=09 =09=09
Help Us!

The Fatherhood Foundation is a Harm Pre= vention Charity.
Fatherlessness and inadequate fathering has been pro= ven to be a source of harm. The Fatherhood Foundation helps children b= y promoting excellence  in fathering. Excellent fathers are in word an= d deed: responsible, involved, protective, loving and committed to the well= -being of their children and their children's mother.

 

If you would like to give financially t= o the Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund and receive tax deductibility:

 

Fatherhood Foundation Public Fu= nd
(Name, address and amount details must be emailed for a r= eceipt for tax deductibility)
Westpac Branch Wollongong
BSB: 032 = 695
A/C: 25-5558

 

Or mail cheque and address details to:<= br />PO Box 440
WOLLONGONG  NSW&nb= sp; 2520
AUSTRALIA

 

The Fatherhood Foundation Public Fund&n= bsp; is a public fund listed on the Register of Harm Prevention Charities u= nder Subdivision 30_EA of the Income Tax Assessment Act 1997.=

 

You have received the fatherson= line.org newsletter because you have subscribed, or you have been = subscribed by a friend.  If you do not wish to receive future emails, = please click the UNSUBSCRIBE button below.

=09=09 =09=09
=09 =09
=09 =09
3D"Safe
This email was sent to blane@uow.edu.au, by i= nfo@fathersonline.org
Fatherhood Foundati= on | P.O. Box 542 | Unanderra | NSW | 2526 | Australia
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